


Feel Again

by 2Hearts1BadWolf



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Again, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe- Coffee Shop, Angst, Anonymous Messaging, Cliche autumn traditions, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting their shit together, Organ Donation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, asshole side characters at times, hence the major character death, single parent, so many plot points i lost count, sorry but ninexrose is only the first chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 05:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12162579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Hearts1BadWolf/pseuds/2Hearts1BadWolf
Summary: Christopher Smith and John Noble are two extremely different people, until one day they aren’t. After a deadly car accident leaves Rose Tyler the wife of Christopher Smith a widowed single mother, she can’t help but hunt down the person who got his heart as an organ donation, that person being John Noble….alright people listen up, this is a story about falling in love after heartbreak and discovering the people who die can live on through others, that our soulmates aren’t limited to just one individual.





	1. If You're Gone

**Author's Note:**

> To that one person who when I asked for a nerd quote tattoo to summarize all nerdness (particularly Doctor Who) told me “Wibbly Wobbly Sexy Wexy.” Yes. That is totally what I’m going to forever put on my body…Also I am very very very nervous about posting this story so, just, hate it if you want, and tell me so, but please be nice about it. On a final note, I have no idea what the organ donation process is like aside from myself being a registered organ donor, nor do I have any interactions with some of the people who have young ages in this story (aside from a few brief encounters I had). So if I mess up I apologize!! Oh, also I’m not British, so I’m doing my best to keep the language as British English since the characters are, but my best is not 100% on point since I speak American English and am not aware of most differences. Disclaimer: Please just try to sue me Moffat, it’d be a great waste of both our times.

/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/

 

Some hearts beat for life, and others beat for love. Their perpetual rhythm in sync, not with the world or with breath, but with the beat of another’s heart. The love felt in the heart can cross oceans, scale walls, fight wars, and even surpass death itself.

 

/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/

 

Rose was _not_ nervous.

 

Jackie on the other hand…Jackie was nervous.

 

“Are you ready sweetheart?”

 

Rose beamed at her mother ready to announce she was as ready as the day he took her hand, but noticing her mum’s fearful face reached out and put a hand on her shoulder. “Are you ready Mum?”

 

Jackie just about burst into tears.

 

A knock sounded at the door, “they-”

 

“No seeing the bride!” Jackie snapped jumping in front of the door and nearly slamming it closed.

 

“Jacks that’s for the gro-” but Pete didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as he looked into Jackie’s threatening glare.

 

“Actually,” He said, “I’ll wait out here.”

 

Rose let out a laugh and tugged her mum to the side, “Oh let him in, he’s gonna see me eventually.”

 

As Pete stepped into the room he gasped, “you look beautiful Rose.”

 

Jackie sniffled a bit, trying to keep her firm glare in place, but it was cracking at the seams, “doesn’t she just?”

 

Rose blushed under the attention of her step father, and mother, yet kept her head held high.

 

Pete cupped her cheek lightly before kissing her brow, “It would be an honor to walk you down the aisle,” He glanced at Jackie, “though I understand you wanting your mum to.”

 

Rose nodded trying to hold her tears back. It wasn’t that Pete wasn’t her dad, he may not of helped in her creation, and odd as it was he may of shared his first name with her biological dad, but he hadn’t raised her. He came sweeping into her mum’s life not long after Christopher came waltzing, or more like running, into her own. He was still the most fatherly figure she’d ever known though, and for that she was grateful.

  
“-llo? You guys any idea what time it is,” called a voice.

 

Jackie was instantly by the door again, “no seeing the bride,” she nearly whined in exasperation.

 

Mickey laughed, “wasn’t planning on it. But the church is ready to begin any mo now.”

 

“Alright, everyone out! A mother has a few last words for her daughter.”

 

The men both agreed but warned them to keep on time before they departed.

 

“Now,” Jackie said straightening her daughter’s veil. “I know you’re young, barely twenty-one, and I know there is a hell of an age gap, and I know you’ve only known him for two years, and-”

 

“Mum,” Rose laughed.

 

“My point sweetheart, is I know how everyone else might see this, but…you love him don’t you?”

 

Rose felt her eyes moisten with tears before she choked out, “yeah, yeah I really do Mum.”

 

Jackie nodded, her own eyes wet, “then don’t let anyone or anything take this from you. No matter what you will always have Christopher, just like I’ll always have your dad, but you two will do so much better than we ever did. And honey? I’m so proud of you.” A few tears slipped down her cheeks just as a few slid down Rose’s.

 

“Love you Mum,” she whispered between her tears.

 

“I love you too.” Jackie pulled Rose against her like she was a small girl again. A small girl with so much to offer the world, so much good in her…Jackie did her best not to cry harder, less her make-up run or she upset Rose.

 

“Now,” Jackie cleared her voice, “’nough of that. No need for tears on the big day!” She dabbed at Rose’s cheeks to keep the make-up intact, but still wanting to take the tears from her child.

 

Hardly a minute later, the pair began to descend down the aisle to the soft chords of an old song.

 

The voice rose over the tune of the instruments as a man sung about the sun coming again. It had been Rose’s favorite song as a little girl when she was obsessed with The Beatles, and she had sworn back then she’d walk down the aisle to this tune.

  
That thought made her smile brighter, that somehow something as far back as that could connect her from today to then. She hoped the song would always bring her back to this day, that everything good would come from this song.

 

As she looked she saw her toddler half-brother Tony sitting front row while tugging furiously at his suit with one hand in distaste. Beside him was Pete, beaming proudly at her.

 

Jack stood in the center of the alter, as he was the one to marry the bride and groom. He threw a wink at her as he looked her up and down nearly making her laughingly roll her eyes.

 

Finally, there was Christopher.

 

He had tears in his eyes and he looked amazing dressed in his tux and tie. So much so, he nearly made her breathless.

 

As they reached the end of the aisle, he came towards Rose to take her from Jackie.

 

Rose supposed Jackie was supposed to just hand her off, or give a few words everyone always says. But instead Jackie just smiled sweetly before kissing Rose softly on he cheek and turning to Christopher, “if you break her heart you’ll get more than just another slap, you hear me?”

 

He smiled, “Yeah, I hear you.”

 

Rose took Christopher’s arm and together they walked up to Jack who was grinning like a mad man.

 

Jack looked between the pair before addressing the crowd of people, “Mwarriage, mwarriage is what brings us togwether today,” he announced in a terrible imitation of the priest from a Princess Bride.

 

Christopher shot him a look as Rose and the congregation giggled at the ridiculousness of it all. Jack merely widened his smile, but thereafter readopted his typical was of speaking in his American accent.

 

As soon as he opened his mouth again, Rose was hyper fixated on memorizing every moment. Oh, she already had been thus far, but standing there just looking into Christopher’s eyes she knew this could never last long enough. Not this moment, not this wedding, not this life together.

  
Alas, despite focusing on every detail, the wedding went by quickly until it was the moment to exchange vows.

 

“Rose Tyler,” Christopher began, “two years ago I was caught in the midst of some random rally caused by students. I was doing my best to get out of the crowd when I saw a nineteen year old surrounded by protestors, doing her best to not get trampled. Something told me in that moment I needed to take her hand and tell her to run, and whatever that was that told me to do it, I’m forever grateful. We haven’t stopped running, and I never want to stop, as long as you’re by my side.”

 

Rose felt her heart hammering in her chest, she’d prepared a speech, but all of it seemed to go out the window once he said that. It wasn’t the most romantic vows she’d ever heard, but it was coming from _him_ , and that made them perfect. “As long as we’re together, we can take on the world. I can’t imagine a life without you, and I never want to dream of a day where I reach out to take your hand and you aren’t there to grasp mine back. So we’ll do this together, yeah? Because this life will never be mundane as long as you’re at my side.”

 

Rose couldn’t see anything but Christopher looking at her like she was the most beautiful woman in creation.

 

“Christopher,” Jack smirked, “Do you take this gorgeous lovely beautiful and stunning bride to be your wife?”

 

Christopher didn’t even spare him a glare before saying, “I do.”

 

“And Rose, do you take this man who is _very much not me_ , to be your husband?”

 

Rose laughed feeling herself tearing up again, “I do.”

 

“Then I pronounce you-”

 

“Rosie,” squealed a little voice as a mop of blond hair rocketed up from the front row where his parents were left after their futile attempts to hold him back.

 

The small boy latched his arms around Rose’s legs as the congregation froze, but Rose burst into laughter. “Hi Tony,” she cooed, lifting the two year old into her arms.

 

“Looks like someone is happy you two got married,” Jack laughed.

 

“You were saying Jack,” prompted Rose’s _husband_.

 

“I now, by the power of the internet, pronounce you man and wife. You may- well you know that bit.”

 

Before he’d even finished, the couple were kissing sweetly to the collective cheers of the audience, and the distaste from the squirming child in Rose’s arms.

           

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

 

That night the couple swayed together on the dance floor for their first dance. The tune of “Moonlight Serenade” played quietly over the speakers as Christopher raised Rose’s chin to look him in the eyes.

 

“Rose Tyler,” he whispered, “how long are you going to stay with me?”

 

Without hesitating Rose promised back to him, “forever.”

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/Five Years Later to the Day/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

_Thump._

“Christopher stay with me!”

 

_Thump._

“I need you, you can’t leave me.”

 

_Thump._

“Ma’am I need you to stay here.”

 

_Thump._

“No I need to be back there with him!”

 

_Thump._

“Ma’am you are hurt from the car accident; you need to be tended to.”

 

_Thump._

“Christopher!”

 

_Thump._

“Ma’am-”

 

_thump._

“Don’t go.”

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

Rose walked through the door to their home without saying a word. Her eyes stayed on the ground. The entire world was too loud, yet too silent.

 

After a moment her eyes looked up to see white walls, so different than her crimson hands stained with blood. She wanted to cry, she wanted to scream, she wanted to turn back time and say “why don’t we have a night in, we don’t need chips for our anniversary, we’ll just stay home and watch a film.” She wanted so much, but all she could do is stand there staring at the white walls.

 

“Sweetheart,” echoed her mum’s voice from down the hall. “Sweetheart is that you? Are you all alright?”

 

Jackie rounded the end of the corridor and let out a gasp of horror. “Rose!” Her voice could have been a shout or a mumble, but it was all too loud, and the walls were too bright, and-

 

“Mummy?”

 

A small figure with corkscrew curls of blonde looked out from behind Jackie.

 

“Mummy?” her voice was terrified in a way Rose was too catatonic to be.

 

Suddenly the ball of blonde ran towards her mother, as Rose dropped to the floor to envelope her child in her arms still covered in the remnants of the accident.

 

 

Something about holding her trembling four year old brought Rose back to herself, yet also sent her so far away. She gasped a sob as she tugged her daughter onto her lap and clutched her like a lifeline.

 

 _When_ , Rose wondered, _did forever become so short?_

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

_I can hardly move_

_If you’re gone, baby you need to come home, come home_

_There’s a little bit of something me_

_In everything in you_


	2. Feel Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, um, still terrified of posting and this is where the actual TenRose story begins. A note to include is the school is fictional, the coffee shop is not fictional, it is a real place that I go to in Chicago and I just simply changed the location to London as well as a few minor details. Hopefully, no one has a problem with that…this place is really where I envisioned the scene taking set…if you are majorly upset by it shoot me a message on here or Tumblr (@orionrose) and we can talk about where I can change it to. Other places you’ll see in this fic may or may not be invented or taken from real life experiences of mine, although I have never been to London so any real London place has just been seen by me in pictures. Any other place that you’re curious about, again, feel free to message me asking about. Oh and I highly recommend giving the song “Feel Again” by OneRepublic a listen to!

_It’s been a long time coming since I’ve seen your face_

_I’ve been everywhere and back trying to replace_

_Everything that I’ve had till my feet went numb_

_Praying like a fool that’s been on the run_

_Heart still beating but it’s not working_

_It’s like a million dollar phone that you just can’t ring_

_I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing_

_Yeah, my heart is numb_  


/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/ One Year Later /-… . .- -/-… . .- -/-… . .- -/

_Dear Ms. Tyler-Smith,_

 

_We apologize for your apparent frustration in the process of communicating with the transplant recipients for your departed spouse. We advocate for all receivers and donor families as well all other relatives and friends to openly communicate and exchange thoughts or emotions with the experiences they have endured in regards to the organ donation process. However, while we may promote such open lines of communication, these lines are not always the most conducive for healing for some patients._

_We ask that you patiently await contact from all the transplant recipients despite the time it has taken. Some receivers may wait months, or even years before they are emotionally and mentally prepared to contact the families that have had to endure loss so that they might be able to live. Even then, some people will never be ready to take that large of a step, for they will always be confused about their emotions regarding the transplant and the pseudo-survivor's-guilt that, for some, comes along with it._

 

_Best Regards,_

_Transplant And Recipient Donor Informational Services (T.A.R.D.I.S)_

 

 

Rose crumpled the letter in her fist cussing internally about “god damn useless arseholes.” All she wanted was to talk to the man…woman…human…life form, or whatever or whoever got Christopher’s heart. And yet the one organization that might be able to help in any rudimentary way was basically telling her to stop whining to them about it and hope, with the same likelihood akin to a pink elephant will come waltzing into her flat wearing a motely get up, that this complete git of a being will finally message her back with a _real_ message.

 

She let out a loud sigh before resting her face in her hands. Was it honestly too much to just get a “hey I’m living well with all the stolen beats of your husband’s heart?” She was about to assume so before her phone screen lit up with a message from Sarah Jane.

 

Good ol’ Sarah Jane Smith.

 

Rose smiled.

 

Ever since Rose had received the first thank you letter from Sarah Jane the two had gotten on like butter on a kitten’s paw.

 

Well…

 

Nearly…

 

Sarah Jane wasn’t the first person Rose had received a thank you from, but she was the first Rose responded to. Albeit the first correspondence on TARDIS’ app (the one that was supposed to make contacting donor families and recipients easier) between the two women had been almost nasty. It had been within the first two months following the accident and to say Rose was put together…let’s just say that wasn’t the case. Rose had been hurting, angry, and jealous even. Jealous that with every breath Sarah Jane took, it was another breath further away Rose got from Christopher. It was childish to think, yet she still couldn’t help but see the whole thing as unfair. Sarah Jane took on Rose’s coldness just as intensely after realizing her thank you’s weren’t welcomed. It’s hard to say all of what was said during their first conversation, though at some point Rose had mentioned her late husband, and as soon as Sarah cottoned onto who exactly gave her the lungs in her chest, the situation quieted.

 

Ever since then the women had talked. They never discussed the other donors, however, that never seemed to keep their names from flying unbidden to Rose’s mind when she talked to her friend.

 

Susan Foreman was the youngest and the first to send a thank you. She hadn’t gone with the app, but rather sent a lovely letter through the mail along with a photograph of herself not long after the surgery that gave her, her new pancreas.

 

Then came Jamie McCrimmon the young Scottish boy who had received a new liver. After him was dear Sarah Jane, followed by Romana who had the twin of Ace’s kidney. Last there was, was the heart and the person with it caged inside their chest.

 

Rose lifted her phone to answer the simple inquiry of how she was doing before checking her notifications for any other messages.

 

“Nothing,” she muttered. “There’s rarely anything from _the doctor_.” She spat out the last words as sarcastically as she could.

 

The insulting part wasn’t that they tried to convince her they were the actual doctor, both parties knew what hogwash that was. No. The insulting part was they had yet to drop the act. He stuck with it. Or she. Or they. Really it didn’t matter the gender because if Rose had any sense of humor for such a game she would of admired the dedication to sign every message with “-The Doctor,” but alas, her patience had worn thin the past year.

 

Year.

 

Had it really been a year now?

 

Her eyes stung as she tried to shake the thought of one year, two months, and fifteen days.

 

One year.

 

Two months.

 

Fifteen days.

 

Fifty million,

                       

Eight hundred and three thousand,

                                   

And two hundred heartbeats.

 

That’s how long she had been without him.

 

Originally Rose dropped everything and taken Ari traveling with her around Europe. That was once the funeral had concluded. Literally the night of. She couldn’t sleep and knew she had the savings to do so, she and Christopher hadn’t been short on money in a very long time. They’d always talked about traveling more. They’d done quite a bit of it before Ari had come along and had always sworn they’d get back to it one day, but life had always seemed too comfortable to leave, as though it was all one long rainy morning curled in bed.

 

But all storms have to end, don’t they? It can’t keep raining forever. You have to get up, you have to face the day.

 

So that’s what Rose did. She took Ari and they ran off to catch that fading sunlight. To glimpse the hues of the rays of the sky. To live. Yet, just like with storms, the sun will still set. Everyone reaches a point where they see the sun is no longer high and shining, where the once bright glow is now a fading echo in the infinite oblivion of expanse above people’s heads. When Rose reached that point she was no further healed than she was before. No worse broken either.

 

For all her running, coming back to the house she’d picked with Christopher made everything trample her down again.

 

Jackie had continuously asked if Rose was just running from everything that had happened. They’d gotten into a screaming row about what was best for Ari, their precious baby girl, and it had only left more jagged wounds.

 

Perhaps Rose wasn’t running from anything though. Maybe she was running to something. To a breaking dawn’s light shining over a foggy meadow. Something quiet, something serene, and somewhere there weren't any tears.

 

It was five months back that she'd decided to finally just stop. It wasn't anything spectacular. She was just walking down the streets of Berlin holding Ari close to her side. Something about it all she just decided it was time to go home.

 

When she decided to pack up the house, to move into a smaller townhome, as well as get a job again as an art teacher, despite not really needing the money, everyone had been thrilled.

 

A loud clock chimed the hour making Rose jump out of her thoughts.

 

"Damn it, we're late."

 

Rose ran to the stairwell from her kitchen and called up to Ari while fretting that the small girl probably was no where near ready for school.

 

Sure enough Ari appeared dragging her backpack on the ground and wearing a mismatched outfit that made a smile tug at Rose's lips.

 

"Come on little star we're going to be late."

 

Ari walked slowly down the stairs eyeing her mum before saying, "mummy? Can I stay home?"

 

"No you cannot. You did a great job on your story and your class is going to love it."

 

The small girl frowned letting out a small huff of discontentment.

 

"Do you want to know how I know it's great?"

 

Ari was quiet before cocking her head curiously. "How," she queried.

 

"Because your daddy would say it's fantastic."

 

Her eyes lit up, "really? Daddy would?"

 

"Absolutely! Now we've got to run doll."

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/  


 

By the time Rose was leaving the school Ari had been 14 minutes late. The exact minute before the cut-off time where the school would of marked her absent. As it was the tardies Ari had gotten from the past month alone were making a nice pile on the teacher's desk. Even with the end of the school year quickly approaching Rose didn't need any trouble from the school.

 

Fortunately it was at least Friday and she didn't have any art classes to teach until just past noon since she had called the morning off. By now there was just enough time for her to go grab a coffee and relax for a short while, before having to race back to the school.

 

As she walked, Rose pulled out her phone, absentmindedly texting with one hand as she went along the busy streets lost in her own thoughts that always seemed to drift back to Christopher or T.A.R.D.I.S. or the recipients, namely “The Doctor.”

 

A loud blaring horn and screeching breaks tore her from her thoughts before a hand grabbed her own, yanking her into a sprint as a smooth voice yelled “Run!”

 

Well, she didn’t need to be told that twice as she glimpsed a car narrowly swerving to avoid the collision.

 

Rose’s heart was thundering in her ears as she gripped the hand tightly in her own, trying to slow her breath and morph her run into a jog.

 

“What were you _thinking_?” Questioned the owner of the hand and voice.

 

Rose finally looked up to see a pair of warm chocolate eyes staring into hers. He wasn’t a bad sight. Tall, lean, a bit fit, and chestnut hair atop his head looking like a perfectly styled mess all thrown in crazy directions.

 

He was absolutely stunning in fact.

 

And completely off limits, chided the sane part of Rose’s brain.

 

Her heart just pounded harder in response.

 

“I- uh…” _smooth Rose._

 

The stranger just smiled and shook his head. “Nothing quite like an early morning run for your life to get the brain stimulated.”

 

Right.

 

Sure.

 

Yes.

 

Of course.

 

…

 

What were they talking about?

 

Running. Car. Near death. It came back to her after a moment.

 

“I was distracted,” she blurted out the horrible, yet truthful, excuse without thinking.

 

The man smiled, “so I noticed.”

 

They’d stopped walking now and were just looking at each other carefully. Rose figured he couldn’t be much older than her. Maybe five years? Six? No matter what it wasn’t as large of an age gap as between herself and Christopher…as if it matters though. It doesn’t. Just to clarify. It wasn’t like they’d stay in touch or anything.

 

“Are you going in?”

 

Rose turned to see what he was talking about, only to notice they had managed to run their way to the front of The Goddess and The Baker still holding hands. The thought of their linked fingers made something in her stomach shift. It was an odd feeling of indignation and collywobbles, as if she both wanted to put a good ten feet between them, yet also stay as close as she could. Regardless, she dropped his hand.

 

After a moment Rose answered, “I am actually.”

 

“Well, ladies first!” He swung open the door in a grandiose style while tossing a wink at her.

_That’s…interesting_ , she thought. Although all that came out was a simple, “Ta,” as she entered the café.

 

The place was gorgeous as ever. Not gorgeous in the way of a breathtaking view, or gorgeous in the way a lover looks when mused from a kiss, but gorgeous in a simple way. How the black and white of the tiled pattern on the floor both complimented and contrasted the blue and white pattern of the counter, and the pale blue of the far wall which glowed with the words “EAT NOW” and “caffeinate.”

 

The typically bustling shop was filled with conversing customers, yet the queue was virtually nonexistent.

 

Rose made her way up to the counter while trying to shake the sixth sense feeling of eyes watching her movements. She didn’t need this right now. In fact, she didn’t need this _ever_. Christopher was gone. Her husband was dead, barely even over a year ago, and here she was holding hands with random handsome blokes who she barely knew. The thought made her throat clench tightly.

 

“Hi, how can I help you today?”

 

Rose did her best to clear her throat and put on a kind smile, “Hi, can I have a hot medium Mayan Mocha please?”

 

The barista nodded as they hit buttons on the register to ring up the order before rattling off the information back to her along with a total.

 

So naturally, the universe, god, shitty luck, or whatever else people believe in decided it was a good a time as any to make its presence known and cackle while doing so. You know how Rose knew this? Because of everything else to happen today, no message from “the Doctor,” Ari being late to school, her nearly being hit by a car, Rose had to go and forget her wallet at home.

 

She wanted to scream.

 

She nearly did.

 

But then, of course, _of course_ , a voice piped up from behind her. “I’ll take a hot medium butterscotch latte, and pay for both the drinks.”

 

Without waiting for an objection the bloke from earlier handed over his credit card as the barista rung up both orders and charged his card before Rose could so much as open her mouth.

 

“Thank you.”

 

 

He smiled, “my pleasure. Don’t always get to save a person twice in one morning. Well, at least not someone you don’t live with. Actually, if you are saving a person usually twice in one morning and you live with them, you’re living with a disaster waiting to happen,” He cocked his head to the side as he finished. “Funny enough that’s what my sister Donna says I am, ‘a disaster waiting to happen.’ Don’t know what she means by it though since I am no disaster.” The last bit ended with a sniff and a straightening of his tie.

 

Rose couldn’t help but laugh, he was a bit of an odd one he was.

 

Together the pair moved to the end of the counter to await for their drinks.

 

“So you have a sister then?” What was she saying? Why did she care if he had a sister? He was just some random bloke!

 

“Yep,” He said popping the last letter. “she’s barely a year older, but the way she goes about it you’d be convinced we were more like ten years apart.”

 

Rose grinned, “Yeah?”

 

He grinned back, “Oh yes.”

 

She pondered a moment on how to suss out his name, but she didn’t have to think for long before he interrupted her thoughts.

 

“John Noble,” He said reaching out his hand.

 

“Hm?”

 

“That’s my name, John Noble.”

 

Again her lips tugged at the formations of a smile, “Rose Tyler.”

 

“Pleasure to meet you Rose Tyler. You know you should always learn other people’s names? Might come in handy!”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yep! Especially people you save. Never know when you might need the favor returned. Think about it you could just of insulted the king of Barcelona and be hung over a volcano that’s about to erupt as punishment, and all you have to do is go ‘hm, Rose Tyler, I bet she could get me out of this.’”

 

“Interestingly enough, and don’t quote me on this since I’m an art teacher not a world politics teacher, but I don’t believe there is a king of Barcelona.” Rose couldn’t help the tongue touched grin she had on her face at the end.

 

“Oh no, not the city Barcelona, the planet Barcelona! Quite a big difference there. Easy mistake though.”

 

“Ah yes, I should of known. Not far from New New York is it?”

 

“Now you’re just being silly, that’s a city not a planet.”

 

“Right, right, the city on New Earth. How silly of me to of forgotten.”

 

“One medium Mayan Mocha, and a medium Butterscotch Latte,” called out a voice interrupting the banter.

 

As John reached to grab his own drink, Rose quickly checked the time on her phone. _Damn_. _I’ve got barely enough time to get back to the school before class begins._ She looked up to see him watching her with a curious expression in his eyes. Something she couldn’t quite pin down, but thought she recognized.

 

“I’ve got to go, my classes start soon.”

 

“That’s alright,” John chirped.

 

Rose bit her lip trying to think of how to say what she wanted. “I- I may see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes. I come here every Saturday.”

 

John’s smile was brighter than sunlight on snow. “See you then?”

 

She nodded before saying goodbye and parting ways.

_Tomorrow. I’ll drop Ari off with Mum and I’ll come see him…What’s wrong with me? I barely know him! But…_

 

She warred internally the entire walk back to the school.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

_But with you, I feel again_

_And with you, I can feel again_


	3. Collide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how short the chapter this week is. Just a quick note that all these chapters are inspired by songs. I can start adding links to the songs at the bottom if anyone is interested in that? Yes? No? Maybe I’ll do it anyways? Who knows. Also, I’m not sure this chapter is ready, there is a part I still don’t like, but honestly I’ve had an incredibly shitty week with being incredibly sick, having tests in my classes, and some really emotional stuff happening. On a final note I just want to change the dedication of this fic from a random person to one of my dogs, Duke, who passed away on Sunday. He was brilliant and lovely and it’s been really hard getting by without him and I don't believe it'll be getting easier anytime soon.

Initially everything was kept to polite “hello’s” and “how are you doing’s” where the typical response of “hi” and “I’m good, how about you?” were all that was expected. John was slightly disheartened by it all, and unknowingly to him Rose was as well, though she still couldn’t figure out why this bloke she barely knew had such an effect on her. Regardless of the inner emotions of the pair, they continued the game of politeness and neither dared to go further, each with their own reasons, time being amongst the top three. But, finally, after a month John saw his opportunity.

 

Rose was sitting at a table in front of the windows reading what looked like a well loved book, though he couldn’t make out the title.

 

The barista called out his order and well, it was now or never, right? For once he wasn’t in a rush this Saturday. He wasn’t so sure why the universe for the past month had insisted on making him hurry about, after all it wasn’t like he had a job to get to, but people kept pulling favors for that exact reason it seemed. Donna calling asking him to watch Ella and Joshua, Wilf phoning saying his washer broke down, and so on and so forth managing to rip every single Saturday morning away from him. But not today. Now, if he could only convince his feet to move over to her table…

 

Something must of happened in his body, something he didn’t possess the control over because as soon as he glanced back at her and saw her grinning that tongue touched smile down at the pages of her book, his heart seemed to drag him across the floor by a leash as if to say “you stupid pretty boy just go talk to her!” It was as if he were utterly besotted with her, or worse. John did his best to shove the thought to the back of his mind, despite it doing its best to stay at the forefront. John Noble didn’t fall in love. He didn’t do this sort of thing.

Next thing he knew beyond picking up his coffee was that he was standing in front of her table and she was looking at him peculiarly with her head cocked to the side and a kind smile tugging at her lips.

 

“Hello?”

 

Her smile widened, “You say that as if you’re the one sitting and a bloke came up to you while you were reading.”

 

Right, she was reading. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he was interrupting her favorite part, he knew how much he loathed to be interrupted at his favorite parts, or really at all for that matter when it came to reading. He should probably just walk away, but she was there looking at him and he was already over by her and-

 

“Do you want to sit down?”

 

Alright so she wasn’t that bothered then. Unless she was being polite? He shook his head to derail the train of thought and impending internal rambling as a result.

 

“I’d love to.”

 

She continued looking at him before flicking her eyes down to the chair and back at him several times. Oh. Yes. He should actually sit down. Forgot that bit.

 

John pulled out the chair and took a seat slowly trying to drag out the moment so his brain could catch up with his actions and tell him what to say next.

 

“So, what book are you reading?”

 

Rose seemed to turn slightly shy at that, ducking her head and closing the book so only the back was showing. “Just an old classic.”

 

“What like Mark Twain? Oh or maybe some Shakespeare,” he inquired with what he hoped was eyes that told her she could trust him.

 

“Not of that sort no.”

 

John thought it was best to shy away from the subject since she wouldn’t meet his eyes anymore, though something in him was dying to keep prying.

 

“A self deemed classic then? Or a newer one? Like Harry Potter?” He examined what he could see of the back and couldn’t pin any hardback Harry Potter book with such a bright blue cover and no back description.

 

Rose chewed her lip, then relented by turning the cover over. “The Princess Bride actually.” Something in her voice made him almost regret digging for an answer. She had a faraway look in her eye that told him the book was deeply personal to her.

 

“I,” he began almost at a loss for words, “I love that book. I’ve seen the movie hundreds of times, especially growing up with my sister Donna. Just last weekend I was trying to get her kids to sit down and watch it since they were both sick.”

 

“Your sister has kids?”

 

“Yep! In fact they’re twins, Ella and Joshua. They just turned seven not too long ago.”

 

“I take it you must be good with them if she’s trusting to leave them in your hands.”

 

John laughed, “Nah, not Donna, she was just too close to pulling her hair out and Lee was gone for the weekend. She rang me saying if she had to pick up one more snotty tissue and get coughed on, I might no longer be an uncle.”

 

Rose raised her eyebrows, but he deflected easily, “Donna would never in her life lay a finger on them, she’s all bark with the pair of them. Now with me? There’s definitely a bite.” He casually rubbed the back of his head remembering where she’d smacked him hard when she’d gotten home last weekend to find out he’d been letting the twins eat ice cream.

 

“Seems to me you like them well enough if you were willing to watch them.”

 

John couldn’t quite pin down why she cared. Well, he figured, maybe it was just her instincts to query about children since she was a primary school teacher. Whatever had been in her eyes closed off immediately though once he uttered, “I do, but domestics aren’t really my thing. Never had much of a taste for it. What with houses and mortgages and carpeted floors.” He made a face reflexively.

 

Rose remained polite and friendly throughout the rest of the conversation, yet John could tell something was off with her, though he had no idea why he had such suspicions. At last she mentioned she had to get to a tea at her mother’s home and excused herself, hurriedly packing her bag.

 

“Will I see you next week?”

 

She paused, hand halfway into her bag as she gazed into his eyes. He hoped whatever she saw there was what she wanted to see and it must have been because after a quick silence she breathed a “yeah,” before resuming gathering her items.

 

He could of jumped and punched the air with a loud whoop, however, he managed to stay seated even if just barely.

 

As Rose left, John didn’t catch the sidelong look she gave him and the nervous way her eyes watched him, he was too high on excitement for the next weekend to come so he could see her again. Besides, whatever it was that was bothering her would surely be gone by then, of course? If only things were so simple.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

Rose sat awake that night clutching her phone in her hand that was helping to prop her chin up on the back of the couch. She’d put Ari to bed early for a Saturday. Typically Rose let her stay up an hour later than school nights, nevertheless, tonight Rose had reached her ropes end a bit sooner than was usual. Ari must of noticed the tension in her mummy, because she prepared for bed without a fuss, only insisting on her mother reading her a single book before bed like the pair always did. Rose couldn’t help the guilty feeling in her stomach for her exhaustion so apparent her child picked up on it, however that was a score to settle another day.

 

She shifted on the couch attempting to get comfortable and enjoy her quiet time, yet the whole world’s silence couldn’t seem to soothe her thoughts. They were racing in every direction as she examined and reexamined and triple examined the conversation she’d had with John today. He didn’t do domestic and there was hardly a thing more domestic than a child, particularly a young child, of which she had. Shouldn’t that deter her? That the man she was pining after- no! she was _not_ pining after him! She just…enjoyed his company is all. Either way, shouldn’t it bother her that her new friend or sorts had a distaste for the domestic life? Shouldn’t that be the reaction of any sane mother? Rose suspected it ought to be and she tried her best to grow a distaste for one John Noble, though try as she might she still felt a connection to him, as if she’d known him for years, as if they knew every part of each other. Not to mention he gave her that look again today, that one Rose suspected he didn’t know he was giving, one she couldn’t quite pin down despite knowing somewhere in her she recognized it.

 

This was entirely too frustrating!

 

Unlocking her phone, Rose clicked the TARDIS app to check her messages. There were a few from Sarah Jane inviting her and Ari to a dinner the following Sunday, and even a message from Ace with an image attached that must have been of something she’d recently destroyed with a simple “Mum says she hopes your doing well.” Of course there was one person she didn’t have a message from, the Doctor.

 

She drummed her fingers for a few moments considering what to do. She could just leave it like she did everyday, or, she could send him something. If she was lucky it would catch him off guard enough that he might actually respond. With her mind made up she acted.

_R.M. Smith: Good evening, have a nice day?_

_Mad Man:_ _It was fine. –The Doctor_

 

The response was something, even if it was curt, so Rose assumed he must have had a bloody fantastic day to of even responded at all. She wanted so badly to be cordial in response although something in those last two words made her tick.

 

Her first response was to ask him to drop the whole “the Doctor” act, but on second examination of the text she realized it might destroy any inkling of friendliness between them.

 

_R.M. Smith: Treat any patients today?_

 

Well you know, if you can’t beat them, join them right?

 

_Mad Man: Some. –The Doctor_

_R.M. Smith: Hopefully nothing too serious._

After that there was silence for a long period of time, at last his response came.

 

_Man Man: Giving up is not in you vocabulary, is it? –The Doctor_

_R.M. Smith: Well my husband always joked I wasn’t one to back down from a fight, even if I found the peaceful way out._

_Mad Man: There is never a peaceful way out. Someone always gets burned. –The Doctor_

_R.M. Smith: I’m not so sure about that._

_Mad Man: Would you care to say that to your husband? –The Doctor_

Rose felt her anger rising in her chest making her throat tighten. Maybe interacting with him when she was already feeling so confused on how to feel about John was a terrible idea.

_R.M. Smith: And how do you mean that?_

_Mad Man: Well, I mean that in a, there’s a justifiable reason for there to be quotations around the “Mrs.” part of your name, considering for the heart recipient to live your husband had to have a bit of an early end. –The Doctor_

She was so angry she couldn’t even form a response, all she knew was one moment she saw red and the next it turned blurry as tears streamed down her face. Of every last one of the recipients, why couldn’t the only git of them all of received something less significant like Christopher’s liver or kidney, why did this person have to receive the one part of Christopher she loved most? Why did he get his heart?

 

_Mad Man: I assume by your silence you are going to sleep. Goodnight. –The Doctor_

By the next moment Rose’s phone was across the room and a pillow was clutched to her chest as she sobbed.

 

She was right, it had been a terrible idea to message him, although it wasn’t because she had conflicting feelings, it was straightforward with “the Doctor” she just hated him.

 

Or at least,

 

She wanted to.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

_Even the stars refuse to shine_

_Out of the back you fall in time_

_I somehow find_

_You and I collide_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, I really did not know how to do that conversation, but I gave it my best go and tried to show case how he’s being a real ass (which will get explained later on). Sorry humans :/ I’ll try to do better next time. But also if you hate it go rant to my roommate cause it was this or a really “he only makes a tiny tiny hint at being a jerk” and she chose this one.


	4. Brown Eyed Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow you’re sticking with this even after the last chapter? Props to you. Guess you’re in it for the long run. Which is admittedly terrifying. Also just a random note I’m going to be trying to update every Friday evening after 4pm central American time. I didn’t yesterday because the house was chaos lol. Another thing is some of these chapters are edited and some not, so excuse any mistakes please.

Rose and John went on to meet every Saturday after she dropped Ari off to hang out with Grandma Jackie, Granddad Pete, and Uncle Tony. She tried her best not to feel overly bad about leaving Ari there for Saturday mornings, for she knew Ari adored getting time to spend with her grandparents and uncle, in fact everyone involved in the get together remained thrilled beyond belief for their Saturday mornings spent together, no matter the amount of time they spent with each other. Even Rose was excited for the one day she got to see and talk about life and the universe with John. Rose convinced herself to attempt contacting the Doctor a few times more, but was always answered by silence. Weeks passed like this as June morphed into July, and then finally August drew a close to summer vacation.

 

It was the Friday before school started back up when Rose got a call from Jack inviting her down to the pub.

 

“Oh come on Rosie, just one drink down at the pub! You’ll be back before you know it.”

 

She let out a snort, “You and I both know you’re full of shite.”

 

She could hear him grinning through the phone, “Is that a yes? Because I didn’t hear a no in that sentence.”

 

Rose looked down at the open book in her lap, she’d been planning just a nice evening in. Ari had gone to have a sleepover at the grandparents’ house so it wasn’t like she didn’t have the time to go out for a drink, or a few, with Jack. “Will there be anyone else?”

 

“Nah, just you and me, you know how I love spending time alone with you.”

 

A laugh escaped her lips as she rolled her eyes. Jack had always flirted with her, but they both knew he’d never act on it since they both had always had eyes for someone else.

 

“You swear there won’t be anyone else Jack?”

 

“Now Rosie, when have I _ever_ led you to not believe me?”

 

Rose could count at least two dozen without much thought to it, “There was that one story about the two strippers who were undercover cops that you helped.”

 

“That,” Jack laughed, “was an entirely true story.”

 

“Mhm, I’m sure it was.”

 

Rose wanted to keep the topic away from going to the pub, although Jack kept diverting it back to the subject on hand. She should say no and yet, “Alright, fine. Let me just get ready, then I’ll meet you down there.”

 

With an exchange of goodbyes the pair rung off leaving Rose in the silence of her small flat, her lips pressed against the top of her phone as she contemplated what to change into. The train of thought didn’t last long however, for she figured she could simply go as she was. _I mean, it’s just Jack,_ she reasoned, _he’s seen me in better and he’s seen me in far, far worse._

With that she settled on a quick brushing of her hair along with touching up the day’s make up, before she headed out on a walk to get to the pub.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

“I don’t know Jack, it’s pretty late and I-”

 

“I swear John if you say you have work in the morning…look we both know you don’t have a job and besides it’s the weekend John!”

 

John ran his hand through his hair making it stand even more on end than usual, “I wasn’t going to say I have work, but I do have stuff I need to-”

 

“No you don’t.”

 

Jack said it so deadpanned that it actually took John back for a moment as he lost focused on the one thing he did in fact have planned to do in the morning: Rose. Well, okay, no, don’t put it like that that makes it sound like um *ahem* just yeah no, not that, definitely and completely and utterly NOT THAT. Anywho…

 

John sighed trying to get his mind back on track, “Jack, there-” he cut himself off. Did he really want Jack knowing about Rose? Or was that a bridge he wasn’t yet ready to set fire to?

 

The other man steered him back onto the original line of inquiry, “come on John,” he pleaded in that voice that sounded far too much like a sickeningly charming flirt, “just for tonight.”

 

He sighed, “and it’ll just be you and I, tonight right Jack?”

 

“John when do I ever-”

 

“Just say yes or no.”

 

“Sure John, it’ll just be two people!”

 

Something about the answer sounded suspicious, but all the fight was out of John at the moment, so after a brief pause he conceded, agreeing to meet Jack down at the pub soon.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

           

Rose arrived at the pub and immediately ran into Jack. To be exact though, she walked into him, not ran.

 

She could see Jack turning to see what unfortunate soul walked into him, leaving him no choice but to give some suave pick up line and maybe take them home for the night, yet on seeing Rose’s grinning face Jack immediately wrapped her in a hug.

 

The pair exchanged hellos and were talking animatedly for a few minutes before Jack suggested they head back to the table he’d gotten for them.

 

“Let me just grab us all some drinks.”

 

Rose froze, “us all? Jack who’s here?” It wasn’t that Rose didn’t like meeting Jack’s friends, but he’d been trying all summer for her to meet up with this one bloke he knew. He’d never gone so far as to insist they date, but he had been adamant about them getting to know each other and…well…she just wasn’t ready to start something with someone. Besides there was John and they were…friends. Just friends who met on a weekly basis in a coffee shop for several hours at a time.

 

Jack tried to smile at her, but she wasn’t having any of it, “ _Who_ is here Jack?”

 

“Just an old friend from college! We lost touch for a while there, but he’s back in town and-”

 

She sighed, “please tell me it’s not the bloke you’ve been wanting me to meet all summer.” Even as she said it she knew that was exactly who it was.

 

“He’s not so bad Rosie. Just meet him for a minute.”

 

Rose allowed herself to be talked into following Jack after he’d grabbed drinks for the three of them. She really didn’t know if she would of preferred for Jack to talk up this random bloke, or to avoid the conversation entirely so she could pretend it was just the pair of them. Whichever she wanted, in the end, Jack merely diverged the subject to her and his favorite god-daughter as they walked to the table. She wanted to look everywhere but in the direction they were heading as she prayed to gods she didn’t think existed or cared that the bloke wasn’t looking for a relationship. Honestly, how was she supposed to have a relationship only a year after Christopher passed away? John came to mind, making Rose shake her head forcefully trying to rid him from her mind. It always seemed when she wasn’t solely focused on Ari or her students, her mind would carelessly wander back to Christopher, or John, or both.

 

“Rose?”

 

She whipped her head at that voice, she knew that voice. “John? What are you doing here?” John was standing to her side in front of an empty table, and he looked like a startled cat.

 

There was a bark of laughter from beside her as Jack set down the drinks, “you two kids know each other?” He sounded like he didn’t believe it himself.

 

“Wait,” John began ignoring Jack’s question, “ _you two_ know each other?”

 

Rose nodded numbly, wondering what the hell was going on. “Jack’s an old friend of mine. Known ‘im for years,” she said as she slipped onto her seat.

 

The other two did the same as they all looked at each other trying to figure out how it was all of them knew one another without all parties being privy to the information.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

“So let me get this straight,” Jack began once he’d been able to pry the story out from the pair, “you two have met every Saturday for _months_ and you _didn’t tell me!?_ ”

 

John rolled his eyes, of course Jack was concerned about that bit of the story. But, Rose was laughing and smiling like she always did when they met up, so what Jack had to say really didn’t matter so long as she kept smiling.

 

“I didn’t have time to explain,” Rose answered to Jack.

 

“Besides,” John shrugged, “we didn’t know it would be a big deal.”

 

Rose gave him a funny look at that comment, but as soon as he registered it, the look was gone and she was back to being cheerful.

 

Not even a moment had passed before two women were tapping Jack on the shoulder. He spun in his seat to see their faces and broke out into a grin, “hey girls how have you been?”

 

The taller of the two spoke first, “Great! How about you Jack?”

 

John glanced at Rose to see if she knew who the pair was, but by her friendly, but polite smile on her face, he was going to guess no she didn’t know.

 

“Good, but what are you two doing here? Another undercover gig?”

 

The petite one laughed, “No we’re just out for the evening, the station gave us the night off.”

 

Rose leaned over to John whispering quietly, “you don’t think they could be the two undercover cop strippers from that story of his do you?”

 

A faded memory popped to John’s mind of Jack telling him that outlandish story. “No,” he whispered back, “they can’t be.”

 

“I think they are…”

 

“John, Rose,” Jack interrupted, “these lovely ladies are Carly and Allison. I’ve told you how we’ve met before.” He gave Rose and John a wink, before explaining how there’s been a change of plans and he was going to go “hang out” with the pair of women for the night.

 

As he walked away, John met Rose’s eyes and the pair burst into laughter.

 

“I told you it was the women cop from that story!”

 

“You did, but I just figured that was too off the wall to actually have happened!”

 

Rose tried calming her laughter only to have it bubble back up, “Honestly, so did I. I was certain he was lying about that one. Makes you wonder what others he’s been telling the truth about…”

 

“No. No absolutely not, I refuse to believe half those stories he brags about are true,” even while saying it John was still smiling like a half crazed person.

 

“Well we were just proved wrong once, weren’t we?”

 

John nodded.

 

A thought came to mind. Just a small one, but, really pubs weren’t his scene and he wondered if they were really Rose’s either. Besides he was a bit hungry. Maybe…maybe he could ask her if she wanted to go for chips? Would that seem too much like a date? The idea of dating both put a sour taste in his mouth and made his stomach flip like he was staring down a rollercoaster he insisted on riding. He wondered if he should go for it, just this once. Carpe diem?

 

“Do you want to go grab something to eat? It’s terrible to drink with an empty stomach makes you more susceptible to the alcohol and um—”

 

She cut off his rambling with a soft yes and a slight tug of her lips.

 

“Brilliant! That’s molto bene!” He was about to ramble so more when she raised an eyebrow at him and his mouth shut with a click.

 

The pair quickly gathered up their things, which wasn’t much just phones, a wallet, a purse, before heading off into the night.

 

“So where are we headed,” Rose queried as she slipped her hand into his. The feeling of holding her had was foreign, but in a good way if that makes any sense. Like when you smell the air and it reminds you of something long forgotten that you didn’t realize you’d missed until then.

 

“Oh, not so sure. A bit late to grab a coffee, maybe…Oh! I know! Follow me! Allons-y Rose!”

 

A giggle escaped her lips as she trailed alongside him swinging their joined hands.

 

“So Rose, what did you do this week?”

 

“This and that. Fought aliens, saved the world, contemplated the meaning of life.”

 

“Well done! Defender of the Earth you are! As for the meaning of life, that’s simple, it’s 42.”

 

Rose looked up at him curiously, “42?”

 

“Well,” John dragged the word out, “Technically it’s 42. The smartest computer in the universe said it was, can’t argue with logic!”

 

“Sounds like computer hullabaloo to me,” she laughed.

 

“And that’s the best part! It is complete computer hullabaloo!”

 

“Ah yes, and that’s the technical term.”

 

John nodded, “You see Rose, 42 in computer speak means virtually anything, so that’s the meaning of life: anything you want it to be.”

 

Rose was quiet for a moment, a far away look appearing in her eyes as she looked down the road.

 

When at last she spoke her voice was softer than before, “Anything I want it to be? There’s a lot of options, but I think today, it means seizing life, you know? Not to let it run past you, because one day whether we like it or not, our hearts will stop beating, we will turn cold, and we will die.”

 

He didn’t quite know what to say to that except hum that he’d heard her. Truthfully he knew too well what she was talking about. That once he’d been…no, not going down that path. Not tonight. Not while Rose was still here holding his hand and making him feel grounded down on the Earth rather than floating like a lost little boy with the stars.

 

They walked together in silence for a few more minutes before the conversation picked back up and the laughter began as well. They talked aimlessly as they wandered down streets, hooking a left or a right here and there until at last—

 

“Here we are! Best chippy in town!” They were standing in front of a chippy, though it was more of a hole in the wall shop than anything else.

 

John looked down when Rose didn’t say anything, she just stared at the building for a moment before suddenly letting go of his hand. He panicked at first wondering if he’d done something wrong to bollocks it all up, but she gave him a smile that said for whatever reason she no longer wanted to hold his hand and was standing in silence, it wasn’t a major part of his doing.

 

Holding open the door for her, the pair entered the shop and placed an order each for chips.

 

“So,” John speared a chip, “What’s your favorite food?”

 

Without hesitation Rose answered, “Chips.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah, but I haven’t had any in ages.”

 

John cocked his head to the side, “Why not? I mean, if they are your favorite and all.”

 

She chewed carefully avoiding his eyes, “I have my reasons.”

 

Honestly, he wanted to ask more, wanted to know why she sometimes got that sad look on her face like she’d lost everything she loved and was left alone in the world. But he knew she wasn’t alone, he’d heard her mention a mum, a dad, and a little brother. The whole domestic group. Yet, she still got that look on her face, and he still wanted answers, nonetheless he refused to pry no matter how much he was dying to.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

Rose was calling a cab.

 

Which was fair because it was two in the morning and they were still standing on a street corner rather than home in their beds. But here it was a close to their night that John didn’t want to end. He wanted to ask her if he’d see her in the morning but that was only a few hours away. Instead he settled for asking for her phone number as though he was some teenage boy who was so infatuated he didn’t want to keep up only talking to her once a week. Oh wait, yes yes that was exactly the reasoning there.

 

As Rose climbed into the cab she flashed him one last smile and bid him goodnight before closing the door and the taxi pulled away from the curb hurtling off into the very early morning.

 

John stayed underneath that lamppost on the street corner, his mind whirling wondering when this became the life he’d asked for. And was this really what he wanted? Or was this another momentary interest of his he’d lose sight of soon?

 

He glanced down at his cell phone still unlocked and on the screen she’d added her number and information to.

 

Rose, Rose Tyler.

 

He couldn’t imagine a day where he didn’t want to say that name and hear her answering back to him.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

_Our hearts a-thumping_

_And you, my brown eyed-girl_

_You, my brown-eyed girl_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided why not include songs attached? So here if you're bored: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfmkgQRmmeE (I have no idea if I linked this right...I think a black line should appear? If anyone knows how to do this please tell me haha)


	5. Tear in My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I /think/ this is the longest chapter yet, which doesn’t say much since the others are only 2k-3k, but I’m thrilled if it is because I skipped class to write instead (what can I say, I was in a writing mood). The main location used in this story is a real place in London that I discovered via Google, I’ve no idea what area of London Rose and Ari live in currently (despite her being from the south side) so I just went with the location of this place as a plausible outcome (just go with it) and the images on Google are all I’ve used to understand the layout.

There was something about Halloween shops, as if the world doesn’t really exist outside of them. When you walk in you say goodbye to the fact other holidays and seasons exist and immerse yourself into the rubbery smell of masks, the cheap plastic of fake bones, and the itchiness of costumes that are sometimes outrageously done.

 

Rose passed decorations that cost pretty pennies, but in reality were merely hilarious attempts to seem scary or creepy just with an added large price tag. She sipped her cooling coffee as she wandered aimlessly about the aisles looking for where her Mum and daughter had gotten off to. She’d already found her Halloween outfit since her mother had insisted she’ll explore the store with Ari.

 

A familiar little shriek reached her ears as she turned the corner to one aisle only to see Ari clutching a costume tight to her chest.

 

“It’s perfect!”

 

Jackie was beaming down at her granddaughter’s ecstatic reaction to finding the costume she’d been on the hunt for.

 

Rose approached the pair smiling, “did you find what you wanted little star?”

 

Ari nodded happily in reply too thrilled to do much more than stare down at the costume bag as she pictured herself in the outfit.

 

“Well,” Jackie said, “let’s go try it on then. See if it fits and all.”

 

The three headed toward the far back of the store to the impromptu dressing rooms where Ari insisted she could dress on her own because she wanted it to be a surprise to the other two women.

 

As she disappeared into the small room, Rose knew the interrogation was about to begin.

 

“So,” Jackie began, “how’s that bloke from the café?”

 

Rose took another sip of coffee before forcing a smile on her face and resisting the urge to sigh, but if it was a little small of a smile and if she only just barely resisted the urge, she can’t be blamed really. “His name is John, Mum and we’re just friends.”

 

“And I’m taking Ari for the evening because?”

 

“Look, it’s just two friends getting together for…for…” She didn’t really know what it was for per se, John had asked her to get together on Saturday and hadn’t said much else on the topic since, leaving it with more questions than answers whenever he did comment about it. Honestly, knowing John, there probably was no plan. The thought made her smile a bit more genuine. Christopher had always been about spontaneity too, it was a general aspect she liked about both of them.

 

Jackie leveled her with a look before cutting straight to the chase, “are you sure about this sweetheart?”

 

“Yes Mum,” Rose answered with slight exasperation, but also a twisting feeling in her stomach.

 

It wasn’t that Jackie was asking the wrong question, it was that she was asking the right one. Was Rose sure about this? Was she ready to open herself back up to possible heart break? Part of her mind chided her that this was no date, she wasn’t putting her heart in an arena to fight to stay together, this was no relationship with romantic ties…right? Besides, John doesn’t do domestics, and there’s only one thing more domestic than having a significant other.

 

The one thing in thought made an excited squeal on the other side of the door causing both Jackie and Rose to look towards where Ari would emerge any moment now, before Jackie turned back on Rose. “Don’t you ‘yes mum’ me,” Jackie reprimanded. “I’m just trying to look out for my little girl.” She reached then to cup Rose’s cheek, as if she were still small, her eyes warm with motherly love. “Regardless of what it is going on between the pair of you, I am happy to see you putting yourself out there again. Granted I didn’t see it happening so soon, but a lot has happened since the accident and I’m proud of you. I know how hard it can be to put your heart out there, but we always have to remember we can’t shut out the world, love, or else we’ll never let anything touch us.”

 

Rose watched her Mum as she thought it over, her stomach felt a bit sick when thinking how both short of a time and long of a time it had been since Christopher left her. Should she really be doing this? Even if it isn’t a date, the world will assume it is, and she didn’t know what to do with that.

 

At that moment Ari threw open the door and marched out proudly in her costume, beaming at her mother and grandmother and easily stealing their attention away from the problems that lay at hand.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

Rose tugged uneasily on the hem of her shirt’s sleeve for the umpteenth time in a span of just a few minutes. She was undeniably anxious about the whole affair ahead of her. John was to pick her up any minute now and she felt like a mess.

 

 _Get a grip Rose, it’s just John._ Her mind rationalized, _You aren’t a bloody teenager this shouldn’t be this nerve wracking!_

There was a loud knock on the door making Rose jump in her anxiousness before she chastised herself once more, she needed to calm down.

 

With one last glance into the mirror at her casual dark red and gold button down top, paired with her jeans and favorite black boots, she turned and walked towards the door willing away any anxiety.

 

Although it should be noted it’s not so easy to just will things away like some alien, but in the exact moment on the other side of the door John was attempting to manage his brains secretion of chemicals which were inflating his anxiety. It went about as well as one would expect, which is to say it didn’t go well at all. Stupid nerves, stupid uncontrollable brain, stupid-

 

Rose opened the door to find John standing before her in his classic pinstripes suit and ratty red high tops. She smiled at a memory from a few months back where she’d asked him why he never wore anything different, but he’d just stared at her trying to form words but was so baffled from her lack of utmost respect for his classic outfit. She’d reassured him she loved the look, but he still gave her a lecture on how pinstripes were utterly brilliant, all the while straightening his tie.

 

“Hello,” John shifted on his feet looking at Rose and making her realize she must have been staring just a moment too long.

 

“Hi,” she responded shyly while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

“Shall we be off?” John reached out his hand and wiggled his fingers looking at her with joyous hope in his eyes.

 

She gave a tongue touched grin and took his hand, letting her fingers lace between his. Even just holding his hand made all the worrying she’d been doing flood out of her mind. She always felt like that with John though, like she could take on the world as long as he was by her side.

 

Rose eyed the beat up blue car he was leading them to, “so what are the plans for tonight?”

 

“You, Rose Tyler, and I will be going on a bit of an adventure, but first you need to pick a number between 10-20”

 

There was a brief pause as she considered her options before settling with, “19.”

 

John raised his eyebrows at her before laughing, “so this will be quite the adventure it seems.”

 

Rose laughed in response trying to calm back down. The state of peace she’d reached after she grabbed his hand was quickly melting. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been in a car since the accident, of course she had, it just was an…uncommon, occurrence. No one forced her into taking a car anywhere, after all there was the tube and there was walking. Sure, she’d taken a few cabs, however, there was a distinct difference from riding in the back seat to sitting shotgun again. But John was standing there with the door open and looking at her with a cocked head like a curious puppy, so she slipped into her seat murmuring a thank you.

 

She buckled her seatbelt hoping the old habit would aid in someway to occupy her while she tried to focus on regulating her breathing. _This will be fine, it’s not that big of a deal_ , she mentally told herself.

 

“Rose?” She looked up to see John looking at her with a furrowed brow and worried eyes, “are you okay?”

 

_Breathe, for the love of hell just breathe._

“Yep.”

 

_Liar._

John didn’t look convinced, yet he let the subject be. In that moment she was grateful for him taking it at face value, for she really didn’t want him to ask any further about the topic. The last thing she needed was to have a break down thinking about her husband in front of her…friend.

 

“So the rules of this little adventure are simple,” he began, “you flip this penny here just before the junctures in the road and tell me if it’s heads or tails. Heads would mean I turn right, tails would mean I turn left. We’ll do it 19 times and wherever we end up,” he shrugged, “that’s where we’ll have our date.”

 

Her heart raced at his wording, he’d said _date_. Was that was this was to him? Was this a date? The thought was thrilling and nerve wracking, both emotions winning the war against her uneasiness, fighting it back down so she didn’t panic. All of that coupled with John’s voice, his soothing and warm tone, convinced her things would be okay. She just needed to focus on the game or distract herself and talk to John. “Okay, seems easy enough.”

 

With that, he pulled out and away, making it nearly all the way down the street before he started talking.

 

The couple had seen each other that morning, it was Saturday after all, and grabbed coffee only to have Rose say she had to leave not fifteen minutes later, not telling him where she was headed. There were the standard questions about the day, ones she easily deflected or answered vaguely hoping he’d get past these quickly and end up on a ramble. Really Rose honestly hated not telling him about Ari, but she didn’t know how he’d react. Part of her suspected he’d be shocked before tripping over words and steering the conversation elsewhere until the next weekend where he’d probably just not show up. Another more optimistic part wondered if he’d be okay with it, if maybe some part of him liked the idea of a family. Regardless, with this one thing, she had to suspect the worst, therefore be tactile when approaching the topic assuming she gets around to it one day.

 

Her hope proved to not be in vain as he went off on a ramble about the study behind the paranormal and how it wasn’t real science rooted in evidence, all because she mentioned a short trip to a Halloween shop. He only paused when they came to junctures so she could tell him what the penny said, or when she interjected with questions. The thing was, as a parent Rose realized there were one of two routes she could go down, she could be the parent who just lets their child babble and not bother keeping up, or she could be the parent to always do her best to follow along so her baby felt listened to. It was early on in the pregnancy she realized which she’d be, hearing that heartbeat for the first time, she knew she’d always focus on what Ari had to say no matter how wild it was. When she lost Christopher she came to the conclusion she needed to do that with everyone, not just her husband and baby girl. Because of this Rose attempted her best to focus on what John said and how he broke things down. There were some complex things he failed to explain, and some things she already had a grasp on that he did explain, so it was by no means a perfect conversation, yet the odd rhythm had a level of comfort to it that made her feel at ease despite knowing she should be panicking about being in a car.

           

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

For the love of God stop him.

 

Please just stop him.

 

John felt his mouth moving and heard words coming out but he felt disconnected from it all since he was so wrapped up in his anxiety. Unknown to him he’d been afraid of the same thing Rose had been all day, was this a date? He’d fought with himself on whether he should bring her flowers or not, and even got so desperate he considered texting her the question, but he was too afraid of her answer to actually hit send. And then to make it worse he’d gone and said the actual word “date” to her. He swears he’d sometimes glad Donna smacks him, he probably needs to do it to himself sometimes. Either way, Rose hadn’t said anything about it. Which was neither a confirmation or a denial, leaving him hanging and wishing for more, even if that meant she stopped him right now mid rant to just finally say if this was or wasn’t what he thought it could be.

 

He wanted her to say yes it was.

 

He wanted her to say no it wasn’t.

 

Actually, he didn’t really know what he wanted to be quite honest.

 

Well, no that’s not true either, he wanted his bloody gob to shut up because they’ve been driving for who knows how long and he’s been nonsensically rambling for most of it. Though he had to give it to Rose, she was an amazing listener, asking all the right questions and nodding along as if what he said actually made any bloody sense to what they’d been talking about when they’d first gotten in the car.

 

Honestly, it wasn’t even just his nerves making him talk so much, he’d hoped if he talked enough she’d actually try to start talking more since she’d seemed on edge once they got to the car. Silently he prayed to the universe she hadn’t thought he was trying to get her in a car only to drive somewhere deserted and murder her. He was _not_ a murderer thank you very much. Speaking of murder, “the whole argument about ghosts having unfinished business is a bit of a load of rubbish. They’re dead, and supposedly when you die you’re ‘at peace’ you don’t have unfinished business if you’re at peace, so they really need to pick a side-”

 

“Heads.”

 

He turned onto a new street looking around and internally wondering if this is where their supposed “date” would occur. There’d been so many turns even with his amazing brain he’d lost track regarding how many junctures there’d been. He did know for a fact though that they had missed some when they were too caught up in the conversation at hand. He knew because he’d see the turn pass them by, but would refuse to ask Rose which way, for she was usually in the middle of a fantastic connection or question. In fact he loved those junctures, he liked to mentally wave at them as they passed by, for it meant Rose was more invested into talking to him then where they were going. Which had to be a good thing.

 

“Heads. And that, is number 19.”

 

As John turned onto the road, Rose sat further up in her seat to get a good look outside, obviously curious as to where they’d ended up. The small street was lined with restaurants, a café, and even little shops, he loved a good little shop.

 

After parking the car and clambering out, the pair looked around.

 

They’d just gotten back onto the sidewalk when Rose slipped her hand into his. He heart soared at her touch as if it were attuned to her and her only.

 

She looked up expectantly at him causing John to realize she’d probably just said something he’d blanked out on. “Sorry, what?”

 

Laughter escaped from her lips as she repeated herself, “where to?”

 

“No idea. Suppose we just explore?”

 

She nodded, “suppose so.”

 

“Well then, Allons-y Rose Tyler!”

 

“Allons-y? Means let’s go in French, yeah?”

 

“Brilliant you are,” he beamed.

 

Rose looked about while she answered, “I took French in secondary school, honestly can’t remember much of it anymore.”

 

“Ah, I speak French. Well, that and a few other languages really.”

 

“Really?” Her tone quizzical. “Where did you learn all of that?”

 

John elected to ignore the question, his past was not his favored topic of conversation, “Allons-y is my favorite bit though. Think how brilliant it’d be if I’d even met someone named Alonso. Then I could say Allons-y Alonso!”

 

Rose giggled at his excitement, “I once knew someone who had an uncle named Alonso Alonso.”

 

John stopped dead in his tracks looking at her with wide eyes, “You, Rose Tyler, must introduce me.”

 

She just laughed more and shook her head before tugging at his arm to follow her.

 

Together they slowly walked up one side of the street and down the other, looking at the buildings and conversing with light banter. Finally Rose stopped in front of a sleek black store baring white cursive letters saying “Libreria.”

 

Somewhere mentally John recognized the word to be the Spanish and Italian word for bookshop, though he was too distracted noticing Rose’s face and how it was lit up with the orange glow seeping out from the storefront windows into the darkening evening. Her eyes were a little wide as a smile pulled her constant grin into something positively beautiful while she looked on into the long rectangular bookshop. He knew she liked reading, she’d said once she would have been an English teacher if checking grammar wasn’t the bane of her existence.

 

Bouncing onto the balls of her feet out of excitement, Rose turned to John, “let’s go in!”

 

He readily agreed hoping he’d get to see her remain like this the rest of the evening.

 

The entered into the quiet shop, everything about it radiating warmth from it’s dark yellow toned bookshelves to it’s soft inviting lights. The shelves themselves were peculiar in the best sort of way, raising to the ceiling and gently curving away from the walls only to curve back in like waves of light. Every level of shelving was covered in dozens and dozens of books. Even the ceiling was reflecting the nature of the store, for it was a massive mirror echoing the scene below and making the true height of the building seem impossibly tall. Spread out beneath the mirror were small tables coupled with chairs that had people sitting back in them captivated by the words on their pages. Beyond them were two small alcoves built into the book cases on either side of the store. John wasn’t certain, yet he thought he saw the bookcase on one side give way into what must have been a small room most likely filled with books as well. Looking away from the atmosphere and features, he began admiring the proud way the book stood in specified places displaying their spines to the world around them.

 

“They’re not categorized by any standard category I can think of,” Rose commented softly.

 

John grabbed a book by random off the shelf, “ _The Bone Clocks_ by David Mitchell,” he read aloud before flipping to the first page. He cleared his throat before in the most serious tone he could muster read the first line, “‘June 30 th: I fling open my bedroom curtains, and there’s the thirsty sky and the wide river full of ships and boats and stuff, but I’m already thinking of Vinny’s chocolaty eyes,” John raised an eyebrow at the book before continuing, “shampoo down Vinny’s back, beads of swear on Vinny’s shoulders-’” he cut himself off as his serious tone was wavering as he looked up deadpanning, “I’m sorry I cannot take this seriously.”

 

Rose burst into a quiet fit of giggles, “I like how she actually used the words ‘and stuff’ to set the scene.”

 

John joined along with her in laughter.

 

As they quieted back down Rose reached up to grab another book from the section. It had a dark blue cover depicting a dreary seascape scattered with life preservers that held no one afloat. Faintly John registered the title to say something along the lines of _Salt to the Sea_ , before Rose had flipped to a random page her face still cracked with a smile, “‘I became good at pretending. I became so good that after a while the lines blurred between my truth and fiction. And sometimes, when I did a really good job of pretending, I even fooled myself.’” John felt Rose steal a glimpse at him, he tried to force the weakening smile on his face to brighten, but the words stuck cords.

 

In the silence John didn’t know how Rose was wondering what it was about those lines that connected to him. How she suspected him to have secrets she wasn’t privy to knowing, and how she questioned if had he been pretending in his life. She had noticed there were times his smile seemed a bit too wide while his eyes remained guarded, yet they were few and far between.

 

John turned from her and ran his fingers over the spines of scattered books refusing to turn and look at her any longer.

 

After a few drawn out moments he spoke, “It’s actually quite interesting the amount of stories left out in your typical history lesson regarding World War II. A lot of people have been forgotten.” His finger lay on a book reflecting on Nancy Wake and the things she did in the war. The people she saved and journeys she made as a spy aiding the allies. “Take the Romani people for example. Completely forgotten about they are. Hardly even recognized despite having the majority of their population exterminated.” He cringed on the last word as if it left a vulgar taste in his mouth, before continuing on a whispered lecture about little known facts of the war, people time has forgotten, as well as plans or groups no one has heard of such as the Ghost Army.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

Rose listened intently while scanning books and plucking them off shelves. She was grasping a thin novel titled “Weep Not Child” when she heard a sharp in take of breath and an excited calling of her name.

 

She turned to see John clutching a green novel in such a way she couldn’t see the title until he announced in a rather loud whisper, “It’s _The Princess Bride_!” His eyes were alight with joy as if just seeing the title brought to surface happy memories. And maybe it did, after all he had mentioned watching the movie with Donna a number of times, not to mention it was a subject of conversation on the first day he’d joined her for coffee. Granted that was also the day he had said he didn’t do domestics… Rose looked at the cover art of Westley clutching Buttercup to his side. She felt a sharp stab in her heart regarding her own memories surrounding the tale and the special edition copy Christopher had gotten her, that laid at home on her bedside table.

 

Glancing away from John’s excited face, Rose blinked back a few stray tears telling herself to keep it together as she plucked a book down from the shelf. However, the story didn’t do much help to the ache in her chest as she’d pulled down a collection of short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri and read aloud a depressing tale of a dying child leading to the death of a couple’s love. Something about it felt bitterly ironic, as if the story were saying losing one you loved kept you from ever loving again. But that wasn’t true was it? Her mum had lost her father only to remarry Pete. In the end though, was it a decision you made to love again? Or was it a decision your heart made and simply thrust upon you willing or not? Rose wasn’t sure and the idea somehow left her more unnerved than just looking at _The Princess Bride_ had.

 

The pair went on exploring new sections and racing around the store plucking books from the shelves and returning to the other describing their latest find. They got into a rather noisy debate comparing _A Tale of Two Cities_ to _Pride and Prejudice_ , both claiming the one they preferred was the truest love story.

 

“I’m not saying _Pride and Prejudice_ isn’t a love story,” John remarked as Rose raised an eyebrow. “I’m just saying Charles Dickens knew how to weave a remarkable piece of work.”

 

“You’re a proper fanboy for him aren’t you?”

 

John sniffed at the smirk on her face, but his excitement was bleeding through, “Charles Dickens and _ooo_ Shakespeare! Those two were the greatest writers to ever live!”

 

Rose laughed, remembering a play Christopher had taken her to, “Now _Much Ado About Nothing_ , _that’s_ a true love story.”

 

John consented before going on a ramble regarding literature and how true literature should change the reader in some way even if small. It should open their eyes or touch their souls.

 

A poem sprung to mind for Rose, a poem she had taped on the fridge that had managed to do as John was saying.

 

“Though,” he continued, “most of the best literature just reminds you to seize the day. Carpe Diem and all of that. What would you do today if it were your last?”

 

Rose thought about the question, thinking she’d probably just want to spend the day with Ari, Jack, and her family. Probably somewhere other than London, though. “I’m not really sure. Travel somewhere probably.”

 

He nodded, “aside from that though. Everyone wants to travel.”

 

“Then I’m honestly not sure. What would you do? Would you buy something?”

 

There was a brief pause before he spoke again, “I’m not sure why but I’ve always wanted a red dog.”

 

“What, seriously? You’d get a dog only to die the next day?”

 

“Yep,” John said popping the p. “However when you put it like that…who knows maybe I’d just get a dog without my life having to end.”

 

“What would you name them?”

 

“I’ve always thought Pond would be good. Then I could say ‘come along Pond,’” he rolled the words around in his mouth, clearly liking the sound of it strung together.

 

Rose smiled, “I’d always thought it’d be rather fun to have a black dog and name them Sirius or Padfoot.”

 

“Oh!” John’s face broke out into a beaming grin. “A Harry Potter fan are we?”

 

“I take it you like them to?”

 

“Like is such a weak word, love is more like it.”

 

“I’ve been trying to get-” She stopped suddenly catching herself from saying something she didn’t want to let slip, they weren’t ready for her to mention Ari yet. She wasn’t even sure when they would be ready. “my brother,” she finished lamely, “to read them.”

 

The ending made John’s eyes light up with curiosity. Rose knew he probably wanted to ask something, knew he had to know himself that mentioning her brother wasn’t where she had intended to take that sentence. Yet, he remained quiet. A humorless part of her mind laughed that he must have been afraid she’d pry at his own pauses tonight if he pried at hers.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

The evening passed by them in a similar manor of discussing books and small parts of their lives. Both of them were actively hiding the large things, the secrets and the pain and even the sparks of hope. They were praying to Gods they didn’t believe in that they could keep this joy, yet they were also praying it would slip away now so they wouldn’t have to prolong the inevitable.

 

John caught a glimpse of a book he hadn’t seen in ages, the familiar orange and yellow striped of the spine glowing in the similar hues of the shop.

 

He pulled it down carefully eyeing the cover.

 

“What’s that,” Rose queried.

 

“What’s- _what’s that_? Rose Tyler this is a masterpiece is what it is.”

 

She snatched the book from his hands reading the cover aloud “ _I Am the Messenger_ by Markus Zusak.”

 

“This book is about the human existence, how we can change people’s lives in the simplest of ways and yet leave an ever lasting impact on that person. How we can all learn to save each other, and also how to save ourselves.” John’s mind was whirling, but he squashed the thoughts and images down.

 

For a moment they just stood there. Then, Rose slipped her hand into his and pulled them both gently to the floor of the store. Her face was gentle as if she recognized his demons, and when she spoke she spoke kindly, “Let’s see how great this masterpiece is then.” She cleared her throat, turning to the opening page, “‘The gunman was useless…’”

 

Her words grew distant as John simply listened to the rise and fall of her voice. For so long he’d shielded himself from people, even keeping some level of distance between him and Donna or Jack, nevertheless, as they sat there in the glow of the small bookshop, with John looking at Rose as she looked down at the pages of a book cracking a tongue touched smile while she read aloud to him what she’d seen upon the pages, something inside John cracked a little. Not much, but just enough to let some of the light seep into his heart.

 

_She’s a tear in my heart_

_I’m alive_

_She’s a tear in my heart_

_I’m on fire_

_She’s a tear in my heart_

_Take me higher, than I’ve ever been_

_My heart is my armor_

_She’s a tear in my heart_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stole the idea of this penny date from Pintrest, granted I chose the location, but the concept of the penny date was entirely someone else’s. Also I went to an actual library which was across town to write this stuff so all these books are real books I was pulling off the shelves while running around looking like a lunatic. Ah, the things I do for writing. There were actually a ton more I wanted to mention, but honestly it would of taken ages, so I’ll probably just drop their titles later on in brief mentions, especially the poem I really want expand on at some point. If you are interested in the song you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-olL71GgdXQ


	6. Hoppipolla (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of these notes apply to this chapter and the next: I apologize if this is at all OOC (or at least more than usual), my muse has been shoving original fairytales and new adventures for my short story characters to have into my face, so I’ve honestly been spending more time on that this past week than anything else. Also any factual topic discussed in this I am most certainly not an expert on, but have learned through videos, books, scientific magazines, among various other tools. If I get anything wrong, feel free to correct me. Finally, this started based on a corn maze I found somewhat close to London, but then I deviated by mixing in places I’ve been to in South Cali, and Northern Illinois.

There are days the world feels more alive than usual. Where even if the sun is hidden behind the clouds, and the air is bitter with chilled wind, there is still something more awake than the day before. The sparse leaves on the trees or scattered across the pavement seem to glow more vividly, while the bustling noise of the world isn’t so much annoying as it is exciting.

 

Today was one of those days with anticipation for Halloween next week making the world glow, or so Rose thought as she caught a glimpse outside the window of the café. John was going on about a research paper he’d just read recently regarding white dwarf stars and the possibility of life being able to, well, live on a planet that orbited said star. Truthfully some of it was going over her head as he injected technical terms, but the cadence of his voice was soothing.

 

“The stars themselves would be among the hottest things in creation, but the heat would be trapped and only small bits of radiation would escape. So the habitable zone would be approximately 75 times closer to the star than the Earth is to the sun. Naturally with how close the theoretical planet would have to orbit the star it would be tidally locked which would no doubt pose as a problem.”

 

“Tidally locked? Like one side always faces the star and one side always faces away?”

 

John broke into a silly smile as he leaned back into the blue leather of the couch. He’d taught Rose the term before, but that was ages ago, though she had obviously been listening if she’d remembered it this long. “Yep,” he chirped. “Scientists theorize that life would be possible on the thin strip of land laying between either side of the planet. It’s all a bit of rubbish though since a vast number of these white dwarfs would be a product of dying stars which most likely would of destroyed any planet close to them. Unless it were a red dwarf in which case-”

 

A shrill squeal echoed through the shop startling them both. Neither had much of a time to react before something small and blonde was clinging to Rose’s side.

 

“Mummy!”

 

Rose was only stunned for a moment before she instantly wrapped her arms around her baby girl, pulling her into her lap in the process. “Hi little star, I wasn’t expecting you until noon.”

 

Ari cocked her head to the side curiously, “But it _is_ noon.”

 

“Actually, it’s far past noon sweetheart.”

 

Rose looked behind her to see her mother eyeing the scene before her. Jackie didn’t seem particularly happy, nor annoyed, instead her face was one of suspicion.

 

Ari didn’t seem to notice however, merely watching Rose with unveiled excitement in her wide eyes as Rose checked her phone for the time.

 

Jackie and Ari were right, and that was probably the worst part of it all. It was far past the time Rose had agreed they could stop by at. She’d figured John and her would split ways just before midday, Jackie could drop Ari off, and then the mother daughter pair could go to the corn maze as Rose had promised. It wasn’t that she hadn’t intended for John to find out soon, today even, about Ari, it’s just, it wasn’t intended to be right at this very second by having a hyper five year old throw her arms around her neck in the middle of a coffee shop.

 

Speaking of John…Rose stole a hesitant glance towards him. His eyes were wide, his typically elated or aloof façade was in tatters as he stared unabashedly at Ari with confusion.

 

Rose didn’t have to be able to read his mind to see his thoughts flitting across his face. If she was telepathic however, she’d only be proven all too right regarding John’s struggle to process everything.

 

His mind was whirling after all, from the moment the tiny human had jumped to wrap her skinny arms around Rose’s neck, John had been a mess of bafflement. At first he wondered who the hell’s child she was. The blonde hair shared resemblance, nonetheless millions of people had blonde hair, so it wasn’t like the girl _had_ to be Rose’s. Yet the moment he truly glimpsed her face, it were the eyes that made him realize it all. Her face spoke of someone else’s genetics echoed across her features, her eyes…they were entirely Rose’s, from the warm brown hue, to the way they showed off her emotions more loudly than anyone else’s.

 

With that dawning realization, part of John snapped. _No, no, no_. This…this was seemingly too much. He’d specifically told her he didn’t do domestics. He _loathed_ domestics. Things don’t really get much more domestic than children. Not to mention, if she hadn’t told him about…what’s this kid’s name?...well, doesn’t matter, if she hadn’t told him about the entire being that _she created_ , what else was she failing to mention? John’s mind reeled, she didn’t even speak of who also helped make her daughter. Was he still in the picture? He couldn’t be…she knew they’d been on at least one true date…right? Well, no they never actually called it a date, or at least she’d never affirmed it was or not. God forbid he be an ex of hers, exes were never a good thing in his experiences.

 

Ari was fidgeting in Rose’s lap, Rose supposed she was getting anxious to be on their way to the corn maze. That is, she was fidgeting until she noticed John staring at her. Maybe some kids would turn shy, but the only thing Ari was ever shy about was the stories she made up, so she met John’s gaze by staring squarely back at him. This was definitely not going the way Rose imagined.

 

She cleared her throat, “Right then, Ari this is my friend John, I told you about him, remember?”

 

The little girl nodded without looking away from the new bloke.

 

“And Mum this is John as well. And, um, John this is my mum Jackie, and my daughter Ari.” She almost tripped on the word daughter. Something about actually announcing it felt like she was driving a nail into the coffin that was John and hers relationship. Nevertheless, it was true she was Ari’s mum, as was it also true she’d pick being Ari’s mum over John’s anything any day. Still, her stomach knotted at the thought John would more than likely bolt any moment now.

 

Everyone felt mildly suffocated in the silence that followed the introductions, neither greeting one another, nor attempting at conversation.

 

That was until, “Do you like bats?”

 

John’s face morphed from confusion to having a slight smile, “more of a dog person myself really, but I suppose bats are brilliant too.”

 

The girls eyes narrowed, “what about cats?”

 

He pulled a face at that one, “the only cats I like are lions.”

 

“Like the Lion King?” Her eyes lit up with excitement at the mention of one of her favorite movies.

 

John smiled a bit more at her, “Love that movie, me. One of the best there is.”

 

“Mummy will sing the songs with me! Does she sing them with you too?”

 

“No, she hasn’t-”

 

“Well she should. Do you like Moana too?”

 

The two continued on like that for a few moments. He was even in the middle of quoting a film when Jackie interjected asking Rose if they were all set since she had to be getting back to Pete and Tony now.

 

Ari veered away from Disney instantly remarking, “Mummy and I are going to a corn maze today, do you want to come?”

 

A blush overtook Rose’s face, she couldn’t bring herself to look towards John before launched into her reprimand, “Ari-”

 

“Oh I don’t know, your Mum probably would love to just spend some time with you.”

 

“But do _you_ want to come?”

 

Rose finally glanced over at him to see his eyes were on her now instead of her daughter. He opened his mouth for a moment, before closing it again, all the while his eyes seeming to ask her if _she_ was the one who wanted him along. Words flowed out of her mouth without being processed, “would you like to join us?”

 

Silence.

 

“Well…” his eyes flitted between the two. With a noticeable swallow, he nodded.

 

Ari squealed again, launching into an excited ramble about the corn maze and all the other things that come with it, pumpkins, apple cider, the entire list of autumn traditions.

 

Rose on the other hand felt pure shock. _He’d said yes_. He’d met Ari, hadn’t run off screaming, and they were now about to spend the day together, the three of them. Her heart raced as quickly as her mind.

 

“Well I’ll be off then,” Jackie announce, leaning down to give each girl a quick kiss atop their heads, while throwing in another suspicious look at John for good measure.

 

“Can we go too,” inquired Ari.

 

Rose responded still feeling a bit shocked, “sure little star.”

 

The three stood up, the adults gathering the few things they had, and as Rose met John’s eyes now, there seemed to be something there she couldn’t figure out, whatever it was, she hoped it wasn’t regret for agreeing to this.

 

“Allons-y,” was all he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is only half the chapter (hence why it is so short), I have part of the second half written, though I won’t have time to finish the rest until very late tonight, but I didn’t want to just not post until tomorrow, so I split them into two chapters here is this half, and the other half will be posted sometime tomorrow as "Hippipolla Part 2." Here is the song: Hoppipolla and here is the English translation Hoppipolla Translation (the lyrics are weird, but I love them). So sorry this is broken up guys!


	7. Hoppipolla (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is being posted at like 11:00 at night, I didn’t think one of my best friends I was with and I would get lost on our way home (I also didn’t think we’d nearly be in three accidents, but life is funny that way).

Autumn was Rose’s favorite season, for it was packed with countless traditions from costume shopping, to pumpkin patches, to apple cider. She could remember cold Autumn days with her Mum at pumpkin patches, and scraping together enough fabric or enough money for a costume that year. Her favorite part was never trick-or-treating though, it was seeing the world go out in a vibrant way before ice and snow coated the ground. Nothing seemed to die in a dismal way during the fall, instead nature glowed in a last hurrah for the year. In the human experience, that never seemed to be the case. No one went out in a brilliant flash of light painted brightly as the leaves on the trees…no, people seemed to go out quietly, suddenly, and all the while slipping from the world as if they never were there. It still stood though that Rose loved the fall, because if nothing else it reminded her to enjoy the things in her life while it was in her life. Enjoy the feeling of the crisp breeze stirring her hair, memorize the feeling of Ari’s hand in hers, and listen closer to the sound of John’s laughter.

 

There wasn’t much that could be said to describe how thrilled she was the pair got along. How John would babble nearly as much as Ari, both working the other into a frenzy of excitement over some obscure thing or other. Both of them making the other smile. John and Rose might not be dating, or they might be dating, really neither changed the fact that he’d become important to her in some way or other. She looked forward to seeing him, thrilled at the feeling of collywobbles when he took her hand or looked at her, and truly adored being able to see someone important to her like John bond with the one person she loved most…there weren’t many words for that.

 

“We’re lost,” announced Ari.

 

John stopped for a moment looking around, “We are not _lost_.”

 

“Are too!”

 

Rose rolled her eyes at the two of them as they bickered.

 

With each passing moment Ari seemed to get more and more excited about the prospect of being astray in a corn field.

 

“Even if we are lost-”

 

“We are.”

 

“I said even if we are, it’ll just be a bit of an adventure.”

 

Rose laughed, “oh so that’s what you’re calling it? Stuck in a corn field is an adventure?”

 

John grinned back at her, “everything is an adventure if you’re good enough at finding trouble!”

 

“Mummy,” Ari asked bouncing on her toes, “can I run up ahead?”

 

Rose gave her consent, before letting go of the little girl’s hand so she could dash on up ahead.

 

At last she turned to look at John who was again scanning their surroundings, she suspected he’d either purposefully gotten them lost, or hadn’t intended to, but was going to act as if he knew exactly where they were. There honestly was never really any telling with him.

 

John and Rose for the most part walked quietly, just remarking on small things here or there, both of their eyes fixed on Ari skipping up ahead and singing a made up song about apple trees for swings and if someone wanted to go to the moon.

 

At one point Ari spun around to face them both, elation evident on her face as she paid no mind in where she was going.

 

“Ari,” Rose called seeing the slick mud behind her daughter from the previous night’s rain.

 

Nevertheless, the small girl ignored her mother too caught up in her song.

 

“Ari be careful,” Rose warned to deaf ears.

 

One more step and Ari would surely slip and fall.

 

Rose sighed before raising her voice the smallest bit while using a stern tone, “Carina Elizabeth turn around right now and be careful before you get hurt.”

 

The daughter stopped instantly, finally looking at her surroundings only to notice the ground behind her littered with gouges of where boots had lost their footing, digging into the ground as the people no doubt fell from being careless. She only paused a moment though, echoing back she’d heard her mum while she gently tread on small patches of what appeared to be firmer bits of earth.

 

“So,” John said, “Carina Elizabeth?”

 

Rose nodded, “my- her dad and I really loved astronomy. The wonder of the universe, the stars shining in the night…”

 

“Ah, right, her…father.” John scratched the back of his neck after finishing the sentence.

 

She knew what he was trying to approach the topic of, was Ari’s dad, was Christopher, still in the picture. “Anyways, he’s not around anymore, but we’d also loved Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice, which is how she got her middle name. We’d joked if she’d been a boy her name would have been Westley for _The Princess Bride_.” She tried sounding happy, but her tone wobbled slightly in the end as memories surged up from the catacombs of her mind, reminding her how very undead these moments really were.

 

An uncomfortable silence descended upon them afterwards, John lost in his curious thoughts of what had happened to Ari’s father, while Rose was stuck trying to both keep Christopher alive in her memories without being pulled back into the pain of the past. It was true what people said, it got easier each day that passed, but that was only if she wasn’t constantly faced with his memory.

 

“I’m sorry,” John began, reaching out to grasp her hand, “if I upset you. I know how hard it can be to remember people.”

 

Rose’s head snapped to look at him, but his face was staring straight ahead as if he hadn’t said anything. She knew he had a grandfather named Wilf, an aunt, a sister who was married, and a niece and nephew, but it wasn’t often he spoke of them, when he did speak of them it was rarely ever far back into the past. In fact she could only remember an instance or two he’d reflected on growing up with Donna. Rose itched to ask what he meant, what he wasn’t telling her.

 

Ari’s voice carried through the corn as she excitedly pointed out the exit. With her voice there came an end to the conversation, like a door slamming shut, John’s face was smiling again, his hand dropping Rose’s to hold Ari’s who had darted back towards them.

 

The trio made their way back into the wide open space of the lot filled with chattering people. A massive pyramid or hay was set in the midst of the pumpkin patch decorated with crawling children and wary adults struggling to make sure their kid doesn’t fall down the side. Ari had spotted it on the way in and insisted she just _had_ to go climb it once they were out of the maze. Not forgetting her plan she attempted to drag the two adults towards the structure, only to be stopped by Rose who insisted they eat first.

 

After a few moments of persuasion Rose watched as John and Ari headed towards an empty picnic table, as she took off too grab some food and apple cider for them all. She couldn’t help the smile pulling at her lips watching them. John clutched Ari’s hand in his, going on about who knows what, probably the history of Halloween or corn mazes or other fall themed topics, all the while Ari looked up at him as though he were the most incredible person to ever be.

 

“Excuse me.”

 

Rose turned to see a tall kind faced woman standing near her.

 

The woman tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she continued, “I just wanted to tell you, you have a beautiful family.”

 

“Oh,” Rose said trying to think of what to say. She knew she needed to deny it, John wasn’t her husband or Ari’s father, but all that slipped from her mouth was a soft, “thank you.”

 

The woman merely smiled at her.

 

“Tessa,” called another voice. “Will is just dying to get into the maze, love.”

 

“Coming Jem,” the lady answered. “I hope you have a nice day.”

 

Rose watched as the woman walked over to who must have been her husband and son, taking the boy’s hand with her own as her husband took her other.

 

The sight terrified Rose.

 

Not because she had never had it before. Christopher had been an amazing father and husband to her and Ari. What frightened Rose was the thought of how much she wanted it _again_. She’d once sworn she’d not get into another relationship, nevertheless, as she wrenched her eyes away from the small family towards where John and her daughter sat, something in her heart leaped at the thought of that being a daily sight. In that moment, she made a decision, she needed to sort out whatever was going on between them, she needed to know if he felt the same way. Not today though, not with Ari around, but soon. They had to do this soon.

 

Gathering the food was a quick process, then she was at the table with her “family” handing out what she’d gotten.

 

“John,” she hedged.

 

He glanced up at her, “yes?”

 

“Ari and I are going to go trick-or-treating on Halloween with Tony, and I was wondering if you’d like to come along. You could bring Donna and her kids as well?”

 

Ari latched onto the idea, “Yes! Come with us! It’ll be so much fun!”

 

There was hardly a pause before he answered, “I’d love to come.”

 

Ari squealed, launching into a description of her costume for the event. Rose on the other hand just looked back at him, something like hope blooming in her chest. Maybe this wasn’t one sided, maybe he’d be okay with play domestic, maybe he could learn to love this. And maybe, she’d love it even more with him by her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit for the mention of the song Ari was singing goes to one of my best friends, Lucia, (the one that I got lost with tonight) who made up the song and taught it to me when we were six. Whenever I think of a little kid singing a made up song I always think of this one.


	8. Story of My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So, I actually sat down and plotted this thing out over the week and originally I had nearly 30 chapters total, but based on everyone’s comments I think you all just want me to get to the nitty gritty details about what’s holding John back, when Rose will find out about the heart, etc, SO, I cut it down further and am tentatively saying I may have everything wrapped up by the latest the end of January? I’m aiming for sooner, but I will have to see how much I can get done per week. That being said I will still do my absolute best to get a chapter out each Friday. Anyways, I hope everyone had an amazing Halloween and got to binge eat candy! Finally a quick shout out to one of my best friends, Alis, who turned 20 this week! She’s my main support in writing and the sole person responsible for getting me to write this (messy) story, aside from that she’s just fantastic. Happy Late Birthday doll!

Rose wrapped her hands around her rather large mug, breathing in the hot steam as the warmth of the ceramic heated her palms. It was one of her favorite mugs, or actually, probably her favorite, for Ari had made it for her in all it’s messy glory. She sipped the coffee slowly, still trying to wake up. The week of Halloween was always a chaotic one from her own students wound up with excitement, to her daughter bouncing around. The days that followed were easier, though not by much. There were decorations to pack away, new ones to unbox, Christmas to start budgeting for, and winter clothes to dig up from the depths of the closets.

 

Halloween itself had been another affair entirely, the school party was fantastic with the parade of kids witnessed by parents snapping pictures, although the trick-or-treating was…unique.

 

Rose and Ari had already been dressed from their days at the school, so once the bell rang it was merely a task of running to pick up Tony who attended a primary school closer to Jackie and Pete’s. Jackie and Pete had originally wanted to come along with, insisting they should be there for all of his trick-or-treating activities before he got old enough he didn’t care for them to be around anymore, yet Rose had managed to convince them to spend the night in together. It had been a rather lengthy back and forth until Jackie, the main stronghold, finally conceded to the plan. With that, Rose, Ari, and Tony made their way to where they’d agreed to meet up with John and his sister with her children.

 

Rose took another sip of coffee, mulling over the events.

 

The kids got along famously. Rose hadn’t really expected otherwise considering what she knew about her brother and daughter, versus what she’d heard in regards to Ella and Joshua. As for Donna, well, she’d managed to not only live up to, but surpass every good thing Rose had ever heard about her. She was loud, opinionated, and a bit sassy, however, her kind heart and love for her family was openly shown. Her and Rose had got on well enough, chatting amongst themselves when John had elected (dragged) to go up to the doors with the children.

 

_“I can’t believe you got him to dress up,” Donna laughed._

_“What, he’s never dressed up before?”_

_“Never with a theme that’s for certain. You all are from that star thing, aren’t ya?”_

_Rose laughed herself, “Star Wars, yeah. Ari is obsessed with it. Her favorite is Rey.” Rose looked away from Donna to catch a glance of her daughter amongst a crowd of children, both familiar and unknown. John stood out in the crowd on sheer height alone. There were kids who were tall for their age, but none quite compared to his height._

_“Oh yes, Joshua and Ella made me watch that once. Completely barmy if you ask me. It suits him though, he always was a bit of a spaceman.”_

_“Even when he was a child?”_

_Donna shrugged, “Long as I’ve known him at least.”_

_Rose’s brow creased wondering what Donna had meant._

_“My mum used to pitch such fits whenever she’d find him surrounded by bits of electronics he’d taken apart. Swears up and down she’d hidden all the screwdrivers in the house. I swear he pulled them out of thin air!” Donna laughed again at the memory._

_“Your mum?” John had never mentioned parents, he’d mentioned his Aunt Sylvia and Grandad Wilf, but mostly he just spoke of Donna._

_“Yeah, granted he calls her Aunt Sylvia, but she’s as much a mum to him as she could be without having shared her DNA.”_

_Rose faintly noticed they were moving further down the street, John staying ahead with the children, but her mind was focused on what Donna said and thinking of how to respond. “I thought you were his sister?”_

_“Blimey I’m not his actual sister. Well, not by blood anyway. Didn’t he tell you?” Donna looked at her frowning, “John was adopted out by Wilf when we were kids. We don’t share a drop of blood.”_

_Rose’s mind was reeling, recalling a conversation with John just the other day_ _“I know how hard it can be to remember people,” is what he had said. He’d had to of lost his family…Rose was about to ask more when Donna interrupted with a new thought entirely._

_“Isn’t he supposed to have a gun, though? Hand had a gun didn’t he?”_

_The words came out of her mouth without thought, “Yeah Han did, as did Leia,” she gestured to her own outfit, “but he’s not too fond of guns, and truthfully neither am I.” She wanted to change the subject back to John’s past, he never talked to her about it, is this why he didn’t do domestics?_

 

_Nevertheless, the subject had been lost after that moment, they’d carried on discussing other things, since the children saw it a fit time to race back to them and begin dragging them up to the doors in addition to John._

 

Rose finished off her drink as she stood to her feet, she needed to talk to John about this all. Needed to get him to open up. A voice whispered in her head, she shouldn’t pull of strings she’d not willing to unravel in her own life story. This had to be a two way street, didn’t it? She glanced at her ring-less fingers, wondering just how much she was willing to give of herself away when they hadn’t even defined what they were.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

John was nervous.

 

Scratch that he was bloody terrified is more like it. This wasn’t some little driver’s test, or kitchen experiment concocted by a child, this was no time for being “nervous,” this was time to run as fast and as far away as he possibly could. He didn’t even need to bring anything with him honestly, just turn right around jump off the steps, then sprint all the way to Heathrow, followed by promptly boarding a plane. Maybe he could go to Berlin? No. Not far enough away. They’d find him. Surely they’d find him. He needed to go further. Hong Kong? Ooo or maybe Santa Barbara? What about Kathmandu? No one would think to look there. Besides Nepal was probably beautiful this time of year, not to mention the fascinating culture and-

 

Rose squeezed his hand, “you okay?” Her eyes were rounded with worry, her bottom lip turning brighter from the pressure of her teeth biting it. She looked as though she were expecting him to do just as he planned, turn, run off, and leave her standing there.

 

Well, leave her and Ari, who chose that exact moment to pipe up, “Maybe he’s sick,” she suggested.

 

Rose’s worry reflected in her eyes only seemed to increase. “John you don’t-”

 

The door swung in at that moment revealing a small strawberry blond boy bearing a toothy grin. “Mum! Dad! They’re here!”

 

Ari immediately darted inside the house, hugging Tony quickly, then immediately setting off with him towards the backyard where they always played.

 

Rose eyed John once more, “John,” she said, he voice softer this time, “you don’t have to do this. We…you…” she bit her lip again, looking down, “we can still meet up later, that is if you want, and, um, I’m not trying to pressure you or anything…”

 

There it was, his ticket to escape.

 

He could take it, couldn’t he?

 

John looked at Rose’s face, at her eyes not able to meet his, and without another thought he pulled her inside the house.

 

In retrospect he didn’t really know why the hell he did it. Everything inside him had been screaming to take the out, yet somehow seeing her standing there on the porch looking as though this meant the world to her, but giving him the opportunity to walk away from it, had only managed to take him in the opposite direction from where his brain was telling him to go. As if the signals got crossed so they sent him forward, not back.

 

She was staring at him with her mouth open in a wordless question, when Jackie swooped in.

 

“Sweetheart!” She snatched Rose from John, pulling her into a tight hug.

 

Pete wasn’t far behind his wife, hugging Rose a bit more gently, before placing a kiss on her head. In fact, the parents seemed so enthralled with greeting Rose, John had been sure they’d leave him alone long enough for him to calm himself.

 

It’s moments like these the universe likes to laugh to itself and do everything but what you want it to.

 

“Where’s himself, anyways?”

 

Rose nodded in the direction of John despite his frantic head shake. It seemed all her mercy had abandoned her the moment he pulled her into the house, for she was now smirking at him as Jackie spun around.

 

Being sized up by someone smaller than you, probably shouldn’t be frightening, although obviously they weren’t being sized up by Mrs. Jackie Tyler, now were they?

 

Her lips were pressed into a thin line, as her narrowed eyes traveled down the length of his body. Honestly, he tried not to fidget too much, only tugging on his ear a half dozen times by the time she finished.

 

“John I suppose?”

 

John nodded frantically, “Yep. Yes. Absolutely. That’s me. John Noble. The one and only-”

 

“Alright, alright, you can stop babbling. Blimey you have a gob on you.”

 

His entire face blushed violently while he tried not to take his eyes off Jackie, even if that meant still getting a glimpse out of the corner of his eye of Rose fighting back a laugh.

 

“You must be Rose’s mum, Jackie Tyler.”

 

Jackie’s remark on her last name only managed to send John into another fit of rambling.

 

Finally, Pete spoke up, “Jackie you’re torturing him.”

 

After a pause, Jackie at last let him be, stating they should all head to the kitchen.

 

John let out a whoosh of air, smiling thankfully towards Pete, before taking Rose’s hand and following her into the kitchen area.

 

The house wasn’t really a house at all, it was more of a mansion. Pete owned a company called Vitex which sold sports drinks. It was actually rather profitable, to the degree even that he was quickly rising on the list of wealthiest men in the UK. Rose had mentioned her family’s wealth in passing, though John hadn’t paid much attention. Who in the world had how much money, didn’t interest him. He supposed that was probably because he actually had money from inheritance, along with his job before he’d quit. Still, no amount of money truly tempted him, the only thing he cared to spend money on was travelling which he did a rare amount of these days, what with Rose and Ari, Donna and her family, and Wilf, all of them needing or wanting him around, and him needing time with them as well.

 

As the group made their way into the kitchen, everything was rather civil. Even lunch wasn’t utterly horrible. John bantered with Rose, he told Tony and Ari about things he knew, he even made small talk with Pete, most of all though, he studiously avoided Jackie, no matter how many apprehensive looks she threw his way.

 

It was a disturbing realization John had when he realized he was actually enjoying himself. How he wasn’t faking his laughter or his smiles.

 

They’d all finished lunch already, promptly following it Rose had gone outside with the kids. John watched through the windows as they ran about the yard. They threw themselves into once neat piles of leaves, giggling madly with their faces pink from the chilled weather. He smiled quietly to himself, loving the scene before him, loving how Rose was so at peace, as well as at how Ari was more alive than ever. He wanted to see this sight more often, to see them so happy.

 

“She’s beautiful.”

 

He turned to see Jackie beside him, gazing out the window. He could only nod in response.

 

“What do you want with her?”

 

John choked. “What!?”

 

“You didn’t just come striding in here not wanting something. So what do you want with her?”

 

John could only stare at her. His previous calm was now descending into chaos. What was he supposed to say to get her not to hate him? He had more questions about his and Rose’s relationship, than he had answers, what was he expected to tell her when he couldn’t very well then give her an accurate response for what not only he wanted, but Rose wanted as well.

 

Jackie just rattled on, pelting him with questions, about where he was from, what is his family like, did he even have a job for Christ’s sake? No matter what, she always came back around to his intentions though. Was he _really_ okay with Ari? Was he just after Rose because he had nothing else to do?

 

“If you’re in this for any reason that might break my little girl’s heart you will need a doctor once I’m threw with you.” She punctuated her sentence with a fierce glare. “My girl has already had her heart broken once, she doesn’t need you stomping all over it.”

 

John blinked. He glanced outside to the trio still sprawled in the leaves, his brain trying to connect pieces. “Who by?”

 

Rose hadn’t been necessarily open about some parts of her past, the part that alluded him most, however, was Ari’s father. He was never mentioned by either girl, and he hadn’t had the chance to ask Jack about him either. All John knew was he was no longer in the picture. John ran his fingers through his hair figuring this mysterious bloke had to be the one to break Rose’s heart. Still, a confirmation from Jackie wouldn’t hurt.

 

She snapped her mouth shut then. If John didn’t know better he’d say she had the faintest traces of tears in her eyes before she turned away from him to lightly tidy things on the counter. “It’s not my place to tell Rose’s life story,” She stated firmly. “However, it is my place to tell you if you break her heart I’ll slap you until the cows come home.” The reiteration of the earlier threat spoke of how serious she was about it, yet also, he wondered, if it spoke of how far the conversation had slipped from her reigns.

 

The door swung open as Ari and Tony barreled in, Rose following close behind.

 

“Shut that door before you let the heat out,” Jackie reprimanded to deaf ears.

 

Rose walked over to John, grinning her tongue touched smile, “Hi.”

 

He swallowed, “Hello.”

 

She seemed to notice just how close Jackie had been to him, just as Jackie slipped away. “Have a nice chat with my mum?” Her tone was teasing, attempting to hide her worried eyes.

 

“Yep! Nothing to say about it. Nothing at all.”

 

Rose watched him for another long moment. She must have come to some conclusion from his wide smile, for she was then moving away, offering to start the kettle boiling for everyone.

 

John nodded along trying to seem normal enough. Nonetheless, internally he was no better off than he was a few minutes ago when talking to Jackie. All her questions had finally set root into his brain. Was he ready for all of this? He’d tried playing domestics once after his family passed away…how could he be sure this wasn’t just going to break his heart as well?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story of My Life by The Piano Guys


	9. What's Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely am so sorry I didn’t post last week and that this chapter is being posted at 1:50am, I have an explanation, but it’s really long so the short version is: life is hard and families make it harder especially when you’ve run out of the medications that keep you all sane. Also this chapter was just really hard to write for some reason. But on the bright side my tiny dog is dressed as an ewok. I hope you’ve all been well! Final note, I’ve never been to a pub in London, I’m not even legally allowed to drink in the states (as if it has stopped me) so can’t say I’ve been to many bars either, but this is the loosest recounting of a few I’ve been to.

Rose was convinced her day was anything but ruined. After all, everyone had bad days right? I mean, sure, not everyone got into passive aggressive filled messaging wars with anonymous heart receiving blokes, but it’s fine, everyone has their own takes on life, everything is normal. Or so she thought as she barely refrained from slamming her dresser drawer shut.

It wasn’t that their chat had even started off angrily, it had simply just snowballed into that territory as it so often did with the Doctor. They rarely talked as is, but when they did he seemed hell bent on being cold and aloof. A person can only take so much of the treatment before they throw it back in the other’s face as well. In retrospect she probably shouldn’t of continued the conversation once she realized it was headed south at an alarming rate, yet she did it anyways with the faintest hope he’d turn civil. That, however, was an obviously misguided dream. Anger still bubbled in her chest, bitter words she wanted to say to the Doctor rushing through her head. Something along the lines of “how dare you” and “you have no right to make a comment on if I’m in a relationship or not.” 

Regardless, she had to be on her way soon no matter what she was feeling internally. She’d signed up for a night out with John and other friends, so there was no backing down now, not when she had to leave in ten minutes. The Doctor could do and say whatever he wanted, but there was no way in hell’s fire he was going to take a fun night away from her.

As she applied the last touches of her mascara, her phone buzzed with a text from John saying he was there just as a knock echoed through the apartment.

“John’s here,” shrieked Ari as she threw open the door. John instantly embraced her with a warm hello, followed by Jackie’s chastising voice.

“Sweetheart if you Mum, your Granddad, or I aren’t with you, you shouldn’t open the door.”

The small girl let out a loud huff as Rose entered the room, “It’s just John, Nana!”

John opened his mouth, but was beaten by Rose, “Listen to Nana little star.”

Ari’s looked towards her mother with her face turned into a pout. It faded in an instant though, as she cooed, “Mummy! You look so pretty!”

Rose’s hair was pulled away to show off her face with her light make-up. Her outfit was simple with a sweater, scarf, skirt, and leggings, all of deep autumn tones. It truthfully wasn’t much different than her usual look, but the compliment made Rose smile, nonetheless. “Thank you, love.”

John was standing still in the doorway with Ari by his feet just grinning at Rose, making her face flush at his attention. “You look beautiful Rose.”

She flushed even more, murmuring her thanks, before kissing both Jackie and Ari goodbye for the evening.

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

The pub was clustered with so many people that walking through the crowd was one big game of “get into people’s personal space to pass and try to not make it awkward.” Truthfully it was probably John’s least favorite game to play, despite this, as Rose glanced over her shoulder, tugging at where his fingers were twined with hers, he gave a smile.

It was only a few more moments of being trapped in the claustrophobic group before Rose and John finally made it to the table where their friends awaited them.

They dropped unceremoniously down into their seats as Donna immediately set into big sister mode, taking charge of who would get the drinks for John and Rose, while adamantly telling them they weren’t allowed to go get them since they’d just arrived. She gave no room for arguing when she told Jack he could be the one to go since the rest hadn’t met the newly arrived pair yet. So, with a wink Jack stood to begin clambering through the swarm of people once more.

“Oi, spaceman! Are you listening to me?”

“Of course,” John sputtered.

“Then what did I just say his name was?” Donna gestured to a dark haired man that was sitting next to where Jack had vacated his seat.

John scrambled for an answer, opening and shutting his mouth a few times as the rest of the group tried to conceal their smiles.

“His name is Ianto,” Rose whispered.

“What? Oh! Yes! Ianto! Pleased to meet you!” 

Donna rolled her eyes muttering about how hopeless he was as she continued on introducing Rose to Ianto as well, followed by Rose meeting Lee, Donna’s husband, before allowing Rose to take the reigns to introduce John to Mickey. Mickey who currently had his eyes slightly narrowed as he looked John up and down despite Rose blatantly rolling her eyes.

Surprisingly it was Lee who spoke up to break the silence and spark a conversation amongst them. It was by no means the most fun conversation with Donna brimming with stories about John’s experiments gone wrong from secondary school, Mickey smirking the entire time John’s blunders are being recounted, Lee not doing much to aid him, and Rose seemingly far too happy to hear just how utterly wrong measuring the speed of light with lasers can actually go. By the time Jack got back with the drinks, despite not being gone terribly long, John was ready to volunteer to get the next round.

As Jack swooped in, John’s faintest traces of hope for help extinguished, for Jack instantly picked up on the subject of convo before launching into his own recounts of John’s eccentricity in Uni, as well as his own stories that mainly pertained to his sex life. 

“So in he comes in just going on and on about whatever it was he had learned that day as I’m sitting there handcuffed to the bed with one hand and clutching a beer bottle with the other-”

John huffed, “It wasn’t just any topic, Jack, it was optimistic nihilism which is incredibly fascinating-”

Donna was quick to shush her brother, telling Jack to go on.

“So I did what any man would do in that situation, I downed the rest of the beer and hoped for the best. I mean what else can he do surrounded by three women hell bent on killing you.”

Mickey shook his head, a smile pulling at his lips, “I don’t believe you for one second mate.”

Jack shook with laughter, “It’s true! Every word! Just ask John!”

Eyes turned to look at John as he finally had the floor, “It is, but optimistic nihilism isn’t ‘whatever’ it’s-”

“That doesn’t prove anything Jack Harkness,” Donna replied, cutting John off swiftly.

The conversation was filled with banter for another several minutes as each person gave their opinion of the truth or falsity of Jack’s tale, all while John attempted to cut in with remarks on anything but the topic at hand.

At last Rose’s voice climbed above the rest, “Does anyone else want another round?”

There were a few who accepted, even John, if a bit begrudgingly. 

As she walked off into the now thinning crowd, John began furiously thinking of how he could divert the subject matter from either Jack or John’s pasts. Maybe he could get Rose to tell her own memories of things she’d done when she was younger.

That’s when Donna smacked him hard on the back of the head.

“Ow! What did you do that for?”

“Three words for you, actually, no, I take that back, I have more than three words you daft alien! Rose is over here trying to get to know your past and all you want to talk about is optimistic whatsit!”

“Optimistic nihilism actually.”

“Don’t you get smart with me! You need to start participating and I don’t mean change the subject!”

John frowned, although by the looks the rest of the table had on their faces, it was clear they weren’t particularly on his side in this, not that he suspected Mickey would ever be on his side.

The silence that fell on the bunch was dissolved in a matter of moments as Ianto launched into small talk with everyone.

However, once Mickey reasoned everyone else was rather distracted he turned straight to John. “I’ve known Rose since we were kids, we grew up together, you could say I’m her best friend.” John bulked at that not that he knew who Rose’s best friend exactly was, nonetheless, he sincerely doubted it was Mickey. “I’ve seen her heartbroken before, and there is absolutely no way I’m going to let you do that to her.”

Mickey continued on with his threat or warning or whatever it was supposed to be, but John was entirely too distracted to pay attention. From where he was sitting he could see Rose at the bar waiting for their drinks. A wide smile was split across her face as she stood there, a smile that easily maintained itself when someone John couldn’t quite see began to speak to her. At least John assumed that’s what was happening, for a hand had rested on her shoulder a moment, leading to Rose spinning around. 

As John watched her, Rose intermittently retorted to the person, but with every moment that passed by her smile slipped further and further from her face until she was downright grimacing. John felt a pang of curiosity regarding who was talking to her, but an even bigger feeling of annoyance that they rob the world of Rose’s smile. Who did they think they were anyways to make her feel upset?

He wasn’t sure what spurred Rose to turn away from the person, but something did long enough for her to grab the pints on the counter. With a final word thrown at the person, without facing them yet again, Rose made a beeline straight for the table, he mood waving off of her enough to keep the shrinking crowd from getting too close to her, but forcing others to move out of their way instead. 

For just a brief moment the crowd broke enough for John to get a visual on who’d been chatting with Rose.

He froze.

An angelic face stared out over the crowd, watching Rose leave. Even from the distance he was there was a palpable sense of regality and pride emanating from them, with a small polite smile gracing their lips, that those who knew them better would recognize as a self-satisfied smirk.

“Reinette,” John said with complete shock.

Both Jack and Donna’s heads snapped towards him, “What?” Their voices didn’t leave room to question if they’d actually heard him or not, they most certainly had, they just couldn’t believe it. 

John’s own mind was a mess of questions. What had she said to Rose? Why did Rose look so upset, but also like she as trying to force joy back into her features? How was Reinette even here tonight? Wasn’t she supposed to be in France?

Rose arrived before any answers did, and with her arrival was the bit too hard setting down of the pints.

He wanted to talk to her, ask her what was going on, ask what had happened over there, however, words seemed to fail him the moment he realized she was trying not to meet his eyes.

To be entirely honest, John wasn’t sure if everyone was talking, or if no one was talking, all he knew was something had gone wrong and he had to fix it, but how?

Minutes passed, hell who knew how many.

At last though Rose spoke up, but it was not to John, “I’ve got to get going. Mum still needs to drive home tonight before it gets too late. Ari’ll also want to see me before she goes to sleep.”

No one bothered to comment on how Ari was probably already asleep, they merely said their goodbyes, their requests she say hi to Ari from them.

John said her name, in hopes she might finally look towards him. She didn’t. 

It only took a second for John to trail after her once she began her retreat to the door. 

It didn’t matter how many times he said her name, she wouldn’t turn around to look at him, she wouldn’t respond or stop, she just continued walking. Fine, okay, he reasoned, maybe they didn’t need to cause a scene in here.

That changed the moment the pair got outside and she still wouldn’t slow her strides.

“Rose, please wait. What’s going on? You’re upset so don’t tell me you aren’t.” Even to his own ears his voice sounded less like a bloke who wanted to sort things out maturely, and more like the yip of a lost puppy. He was only a few steps behind her, yet he surged forward as if leaping a chasm, only to gently grip her wrist in his hand. 

Sure enough, she stopped, and even turned halfway towards him. Nevertheless, her eyes still remained trained to the ground.

John felt even more lost. He’d gotten her to stop which, yes, was one goal, although he couldn’t very well solve the issue if she wouldn’t say what was going on in her head. “Please, Rose, talk to me.”

A moment was drawn out between them until she said something too soft for him to hear.

“What was that?”

“I said, ‘your fiancée was there.’” Her voice lacked warmth, and emotion of any kind. It was as if she was noting something she didn’t particularly care about. 

John could only stare at her.

“Did you not hear me?” She finally looked up to meet his eyes, but the momentary lack of shown emotion was quickly giving way to a spark of fire in her eyes. “Reinette was there. She was there and I didn’t even know who the hell she was. You do know who she is, right?”

The question didn’t sound like one needing an answer, yet one still tumbled from John’s mouth, “Yes.”

Rose’s eyes lighted up with a challenge. “And you didn’t think to tell me about this?”

“Well, no. I mean, it didn’t seem relevant and-”

“How the hell isn’t this relevant?”

“Because…because…” John pulled at his hair with one hand, there were so many answers to that. Because Reinette and he weren’t together anymore. Because Reinette didn’t mean anything to him anymore. Because the only person he wanted to call his anything in a relationship was Rose. Because! Just, because! It didn’t matter!

Rose began to pull her wrist from his grip, and that, that was very very bad because then she could walk away and he couldn’t explain.

“Rose, just, listen to me. This wasn’t supposed to happen,” John sped up his words as he noticed her eyes growing narrower. “Reinette and I aren’t together anymore. I mean, we once were, but we aren’t anymore, things ended for us a long time ago. Please, you have to believe me, she isn’t my fiancée. She’s just an ex. She’s no one important.”

“I don’t care if she’s an ex-girlfriend, ex- fiancée, or the bloody uncrowned queen of France! She was a part of your life John, and from what it sounded like she was a major part of your life for a long time and you never even mentioned her!” Rose’s voice grew quieter as she next spoke, “She knew everything about you John. She was mentioning things you’ve never talked about. And that’s just it, isn’t it? You talk all the time but you don’t ever say anything. You leave everyone else to tell your life story for you and even then you try to keep them from saying anything. I know it’s hard talking about the past, but you have to let someone in. And yet, it still never gets personal with you. Instead you just avoid it altogether and omit people from it when you do say something. You left out an entire person John.”

There were so many part to focus on and they collided in his brain as part of him yelled to just tell her everything, while another part said to turn and run. As his brain waged a civil war, his mouth emptied words he didn’t register until they were hanging in the air, “Oh that’s rich coming from you! You hid an entire person from me too! Not just any person either but your child, Rose, who is actually part of your life!”

Rose snatched her wrist from his hold as if he’d just slapped her. “I just,” she managed to get out, looking away from his face, “I can’t do this right now. None of this,” she said looking at the space between them. “Someone told me that today. I should of listened sooner.”

She began moving away from him, getting closer to the road while John’s stomach sank as fear and panic rose within him. She couldn’t mean what he thought? He…they…“No, no, no, you don’t mean that Rose Tyler.”

“Who the hell do you think you are to know what I mean! It’s not like we’re boyfriend and girlfriend! We’re not even dating, are we?”

He flounders trying to think of what to say, they’d been on dates, but they didn’t call them dates, they texted, but friends texted too, he’d met her parents and she met his sister, but what did that make them if they’d never talked about it? “We’re…we’re us!”

A mirthless laugh bubbled from her throat, “Figures, you can’t even say it!”

The black body of a taxi pulled up to the sidewalk, John knew the pub wasn’t actually far enough from her flat to need a ride (even if he’d given her one earlier), rather she was simply trying to make a quick escape.

“Please,” was just about all John could think of to say. Please let them talk about this, please if all she wants is for him to call her his girlfriend he’d love to, please don’t just leave. Nevertheless, with all the pleas hanging unspoken in the air that could repair this, there was still the silent plea for her to not make him discuss his past.

As Rose climbed into the backseat of the car, she didn’t turn to look at him, she just shut her door with a deafening noise in the silence.

John stood in the semi-darkness in the middle of a block, watching the cab fade into the night. His mind was whirling once more, so similar to the last time he’d seen her drive off. The questions he’d had then were similar to the ones now, when did Rose Tyler nestle her way deep enough into his life that she became exactly the life he wanted to have? When did it stop all just being a passing interest to him?

He glanced towards a starless sky.

Rose Tyler.

If there was ever to be a day John was certain he wasn’t going to fight for this, it wasn’t this one.

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

And so I wake up in the morning  
And I step outside  
And I take a deep breath and I get real high  
And I scream from the top of my lungs what’s going on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt this story needed a bit more angst as if killing off Christopher wasn’t enough… the song today, What’s Up by The 4 Non Blondes  
> was inspired by a song used in Sense8 (a Netflix original).


	10. Hey Jude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly can’t apologize enough guys, like I really wish I could of found time to write these past few weeks but my life has been a chaos of finals, family health stuff that’s left us all a wreck, divorce bullshit, potentially moving again (yes I just moved in August and now I might have to in January), and just genuinely trying to be there for my friends and family as seemingly everyone I know has been going through hell. But I am hell bent on not abandoning this story so just bear with me guys cause my updates are going to possibly be really sporadic. Also, as always this has not been read through by me or anyone else, so all mistakes are mine and I will get around to cleaning it up hopefully once I’m more confident in how much time I can devote to this.

The past two weeks without John in her life, Rose was doing surprisingly…not much of anything actually. It seems dramatic to say, so Rose kept it to herself, but the entire world seemed off kilter, she didn’t feel particularly sad, nor particularly normal. It was as if it were all a hazy dream she didn’t understand the rules of quite yet. When it boiled down to it though her emotions still kept her from answering John’s phone calls.

 

On the first Wednesday her mother told her she was just being stubborn. It wasn’t until Jackie and Rose had gotten into an argument over it had she finally just collapsed on the couch wondering what on Earth she was doing anymore? She was hurt and confused, she missed John as well as certain he missed her, she also wanted answers. However, she couldn’t justify now listening to his life story without knowing he was only doing it because she wanted him to, not because he genuinely wanted to share it. That there was the problem. She didn’t want answers because she asked it of him, but because he genuinely trusted her enough to make the decision entirely on his own to share them with her. Only, in the months they knew each other, on the dates they had had, he never made that step, and neither had she in return. Rose couldn’t help questioning if she was even ready to share Christopher with John. Surely she can’t ask something of him if she can’t give it back equally.

 

On the second Wednesday, Mickey phoned saying he’d met a bloke who was a friend of a friend, saying Rose ought to meet him, if not for long term, just for one evening to take her mind off of everything else. She had hated the idea initially. This whole dating thing had gone on long enough. No, it was just too close to the holidays and…well, other things. Mickey didn’t let up though, he pestered until she conceded. Just one meet up, and it was absolutely _not_ a date. Even if it was, it wasn’t like anything that could happen between her and this bloke could go any worse than her last two relationships.

 

So here she was on Saturday night sitting in a familiar pub next to Owen. Owen who truthfully wasn’t awful looking, but truthfully as well, Rose couldn’t care less about his self absorbed speech, for she was focused on mulling over what Ari was up to. Every minute that passed, Rose desired even more to walk out, go home to her daughter, and cuddle on the sofa with a cute Disney movie. Her little girl had caught on something wasn’t entirely right these past two weeks when she’d asked Rose several times how soon until John would come over next. Initially, she’d taken the answers at face value, that he was busy, or just simply couldn’t come. Eventually, the small girl’s confusion and worry began to manifest. She quieted, in addition to attaching herself to her mother’s side. Rose hated lying to her about the state of her relationship with John, but she wasn’t sure how to break the news, especially since the holidays had been hard enough last year with both of them missing Christopher alone, adding John into the mix of people to miss was only going to make things harder for them both.

 

Owen drained the remainder of his pint of beer before signaling for another, before turning his head to eye Rose. “So what’s he like?”

 

She blinked, “What?”

 

“The bloke on your mind.” He said it as if it was no big deal to him that Rose had been so utterly distracted while he’d been speaking to her.

 

Something about his comment set her on edge, “Actually, I was just thinking about my daughter. Ari. She’s five.”

 

“Really? Cause see, I can tell you’re torn up about something going on, heard you’d just broken up with a bloke who you obviously aren’t over. You minus well just tell me about it because neither of us are headed in a direction together, but we’re already out and I’d like another pint.” He picked up the fresh pint from the counter of the bar and took a swig.

 

Rose narrowed her eyes, “There’s plenty of other topics, why do you care about this one?”

 

“Simple. I don’t.”

 

She opened her mouth to tell him to sod off, she can handle this on her own, however, he cut her off too soon, “God you’re a pain in the arse. Just tell me what’s going on. Let someone help you.”

 

Rose resented him, she resented his offer to “help,” and she resented his means of offering. Although, who would he even tell? She reckoned he’d drink too much tonight to clearly remember what she’d say anyways, if he kept downing beer the way he was. With a sigh, she relented, “His name is John.”

 

“Oh? So there is a bloke.”

 

Electing to ignore that, Rose continued, “We weren’t even dating so it hardly matters.”

 

“If it hardly mattered, then you wouldn’t be talking about it now would you?”

 

“Shut it.”

 

“Ah, there’s some of the fire I heard about. Now were you actually not dating or did you just say you weren’t dating just to play the role of the ridiculous teenagers?”

 

Rose looked down at her own drink which had barely been touched that evening, “He never said it. Not once. How was I supposed to know what he thought of it all? Last I’d heard he didn’t do domestic.”

 

“Did he meet your kid?”

 

The question threw her a bit, “Of course he met Ari eventually.”

 

“And he got along with her?”

 

Rose said nothing.

 

Owen let out a sigh as though he was left to spell something out for an especially dull witted person, “Hate to break this to you, but _I_ do not do domestic. If he was willing to meet your kid and try to get along, he obviously was willing to do a bit more domestic than he told you to start with.”

 

Rose shot him a glare for his tone, even if the words made her stomach pitch in a small bit of excitement.

 

“So what else was wrong with this relationship?”

 

She opened her mouth before closing it again. Mulling over the words she was going to say she knew how Owen might take them. Although, it hardly mattered his opinion. “He had this talent for talking, but he never said anything.” She lifted her glass and sipped lightly. “We talked every week for hours on end for five months and yet he never once mentioned anything of substance, as if he didn’t want to share it.”

 

Owen nodded, “And I suppose in those five months you opened up to him about your dead husband?”

 

There was nothing to say to that. “How do you-”

 

“Word gets around with friends, but I’ll take that as a no. Look, Rose, I’m not an expert with relationships or people. Still, I know you need to give as much as you ask for in these,” he waved a hand flippantly in the air, “things.”

 

Rose sighed, “yeah figured that out for myself thanks.”

 

“Then why the hell aren’t you back with him?” He only paused for a moment before answering his own question hanging in the air, “Don’t tell me it’s the husband thing because that’s just complete bollocks.”

 

“It is not!” The angered protest flew out of her mouth without thought fueling it.

 

“It really is, and I think you know that. Your husband died, tragic really,” he shrugged, “but if you honestly believe he wouldn’t of wanted you to move on, you’re only screwing with yourself. Let me ask you this, if you had been the one to die, would you of wanted him to never move on?”

 

Her voice was confident as she answered, “of course not. He needed someone to hold his hand.”

 

“Well then, how could he of expected someone not to hold yours?” Even as he spoke, Owen made a face as the disgustingly sentimental words. “My point is, you need someone with you and the guilt attached to a number following the amount of weeks or months or years it’s been shouldn’t be what is holding you back. You know when you are ready to move forward, no one else gets a say in that.”

 

“I…” Rose searched for words to say.

 

“You still have a hang up?” He sounded exasperated. “Let me guess, not only is it the weight of guilt, but the crushing fear of heartbreak. After all, already got it broken once before with your dear husband, but it’s not only just you in this, you’ve brought your kid into it.” Owen made a tsk-ing noise.

 

She gave him a look even as she knew he had hit the mark.

 

He glanced back towards her, watching her face, “John, you said his name was?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Let me guess, really tall? Freckles? Brown hair?”

 

Raising an eyebrow Rose queried, “How’d you know?”

 

He sniffed, “Seems your type.” He held up a finger for another drink as he continued, “That, and there’s a bloke just like that watching us from the corner of the bar.”

 

Somehow Rose managed to feel as though she were blushing and paling at the same time, while also barely keeping from turning on her chair to see just what bloke Owen was talking about. Instead, she focused on keeping her voice steady, “Is there?”

 

“I think you’re asking the wrong question here.”

 

She rolled her eyes, “what is the right question then?”

 

“The right question would be: what are you still doing here?”

 

Rose bit her lip not sure how to respond. It seemed easy enough as an idea, just get up and walk over, just talk to John, just fix things. Though that’s always the way. Everything seems easy as an idea lodged in your head, but the actions and the words to carry through with it is never quite so simple.

 

Finally, Owen turned to her to look her square on, “Right here, right now, you’ve got a choice. If you think that the possibility of heartbreak is too much, if you really believe he doesn’t care for you, or have some guilt over your husband that you are certain will never pass, then walk out those doors and don’t look back. But, if there is a chance, just some hope that all those things will be okay one day and your relationship might be worth it, whether it’s for lazy mornings together, or for those moments when you get to look at your daughter and look at him and see a whole family…Or it could just be for you only, so you have someone to spend your life with. If there is even a tiny glimmer of light, then don’t you think that’s worth taking a chance?”

 

There it was, the opportunity laid out in front of her.

 

“Thank you Owen. It’s been…interesting meeting you.”

 

For the first time that night he gave her a smile with nothing hidden underneath it. “You too Rose. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to find at least one person willing to go home with me tonight.”

 

This bloke was a lot of things, arrogant and audacious being two of them, but oddly enough there was some small part of him Rose liked. He seemed more to her than someone relying on rudeness to combat darkness than a truly bad person. She hoped whatever that darkness might be, he could find a better way to fight it or illuminate it. She gave him a small smile, before saying goodnight to the bloke who was already distracted by another pretty face.

 

The pub was relatively calm for a Saturday night. There was a crowd like always, but it was manageable to say the least. Rose peered through the people trying to spot the familiar face she sought after, and sure enough her eyes landed on a pair of dark brown ones in the far back corner. As their eyes met a large burly man stepped around her stinking of alcohol, but still managing an apologetic, if not a little vacant, smile with an “excuse me.”

 

By the time the man had passed her by, John was no longer looking towards her. He sat in the same spot but was intensely focusing on the pint in front of him, as if it held the answers he was searching for. Granted, Rose wasn’t sure exactly what answers a pint could supply, but it could always give enough courage to go find them if you drank enough. She glanced over her shoulder wondering if she should of snagged her own beer when she’d parted from Owen.

 

Oh well.

 

Lost cause now.

 

She surged forward through the people, weaving easily between them until she was face to face with the one person she hadn’t expected to see tonight.

 

There was a lot to be said, that was obvious, but going about starting the conversation was going to be something else entirely.

 

“Hi,” was what Rose settled with.

 

John’s head slowly lifted with closed off eyes. Those alone made Rose more nervous than before.

 

_Breathe Rose. He’s probably just anxious and doesn’t want to seem it._

With a steadying breath she forced her mouth to work, “Can I sit?”

 

“Of,” his voice cracked causing him to clear his throat, “of course.”

 

A hesitant smile pulled on her lips as she took a seat across from him. “How have you been?”

 

Silence.

 

“John?”

 

He gazed at her. His hands wrapped tightly around the glass standing between them on the table.

 

The smile slipped off her face as her stomach twisted the way it always seemed to whenever she felt bad news approaching. Usually though, it made her excited, she loved the feeling, especially as a teenager. Getting into trouble was just something to make life a bit more exciting. And yet, this wasn’t a trouble she wanted.

 

Rose was about to say something, anything really. Maybe apologize for coming over, for being scared of this relationship, for…well really anything that had happened these past two weeks. But she didn’t get a chance.

 

“What are you doing Rose?” It was soft, but it was something from him and she’d take it.

 

“I’m trying, John.” Trying to fix things.

 

“Are you? Cause I tried that for two weeks and it didn’t seem to work for me.”

 

She fiddled with her bracelet. She’d given up wearing hooped earrings once Ari was born. Easier to not have one ripped out by a baby if there wasn’t one to grab in the first place. Yet, now, she wished she had decided to keep wearing them when Ari had gotten older, if only so she had something more familiar to calm her hands than a bracelet she’d worn only once before. “I know. I shouldn’t have ignored you when you’d called.”  

 

He kept looking at her, but the blankness in his eyes had been conquered by apprehension, as though she were something more dangerous than just a woman trying to make amends.

 

“Okay.”

 

Rose furrowed her brows, “What?”

 

“You asked how I’ve been,” he glanced towards the crowd, “and I’ve been okay.”

 

“Oh.” Really she hadn’t known what she had been expecting, but…alright, that was a lie. She did know what she had been expecting. She’d been assuming he’d been upset, that he’d missed her, or Ari, or both, and that he had been stuck in the same foggy dream she’d been trapped inside of.

 

Her emotions must have given her away, for John let out a soft sigh, “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s fine.” There wasn’t much else to say.

 

“No, it’s not fine Rose.” He was doing an expert job at avoiding her inquiring gaze. “I lied. Me. Just now. I’ve not been okay. Not the slightest bit of it.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, I haven’t been okay either if we’re both being honest now.”

 

John sucked in a noisy breath, he still seemed anxious, but at least his grip was no longer threatening an attempt to break the glassware in his hands. “Rose…”

 

She watched him from across the table, doing her best to seem as though she were laying all her cards onto the table before her.

 

“Rose,” he said softer this time, getting his bearings on the word itself as he finally met her eyes again. “I- I don’t know how to say this,” he lifted a hand to drag the fingers through his hair. “I’m not good at all of this stuff. Domestics and such. Not- not that I don’t want to be good at it, I just aren’t.”

 

Memories surfaced for Rose of trick-or-treating and talking to Donna, of him not being her biological sibling, of him having a family before the Nobles, and even of him having a relationship with Reinette but it ending before too long of ties were made.

 

Reaching out, Rose gently touched the hand of his still on his glass, trying to remain quiet so he could talk.

 

“I want to try though,” he said. “I want to try. I loathe mortgages and carpets and all those things that some people strive for their entire lives. But, it’s worth it if you and Ari are going to be there. I’d rather have a hundred of those things, than continue missing you two.” John scratched the back of his neck, looking down, “Sorry, that was probably cheesy.”

 

A soft laugh escaped her, “definitely cheesy.” She touched his cheek attempting to have him look up at her. Once he did she smiled, “We missed you too, you know. Ari kept asking about you.”

 

He brightened at that. “So can we give this a go? The whole boyfriend, girlfriend thing?” He scrunched up his nose, “On second thought, that sounds far too secondary school. What about…significant other?”

 

Rose pretended to ponder on it, making faces as though she were in deep thought. After a few moments she finally agreed to the term, if only to soothe his worried expression.

 

The pair grinned at each other rather ridiculously until a thought surfaced in Rose’s mind, “You know,” she hedged, “we still need to sort through everything. Neither of us have been entirely honest about our pasts with each other.”

 

John nodded slowly, “We do.”

 

“I suppose that’s a conversation for another night.”

 

“Suppose so.”

 

A light silence fell between them both until it was suggested they head out for the night to relieve Mickey of his babysitting job so he could get home at a somewhat decent hour.

 

As they walked from the pub Rose began questioning how John had known where she was. Turned out Mickey and Jack had seemingly conspired to get them both to the pub that night, knowing Owen and Rose wouldn’t click, but he could potentially talk some sense into her, meanwhile praying off of John’s protective streak by ensuring he knew Owen’s love for harsh comments and tendency to persuade others into one night stands. Once John was assured Rose really hadn’t been insulted by Owen, the pair had a laugh at their friends’ ideas of helping.

 

Approaching the door to her building, Rose stole a look up at John, then saying his name questioningly.

 

“Yeah, Rose?”

 

“I’m glad we fixed this.”

 

He smiled down at her, “So am I.”

 

She pulled him into a tight hug looping her arms around his neck and burying her face into his shoulder. He clutched her back equally tight.

 

Slowly relaxing out of the hug, Rose looked into his eyes that seemed so much older than anyone she knew. She loved those eyes. They held secrets and stories and so many memories. She knew some must have been of her and Ari, making giddiness bubble in her chest, but she also knew some had to be painful, and more than anything she wanted to hear those ones so he didn’t have to carry the pain on his own. Equally so, she was curious what he saw in her eyes. If he found them as captivating as she found his.

 

“Rose Tyler, would you mind if I kissed you?”

 

Glancing down at his lips she nodded slightly whispering, “yes.”

 

John seemed genuinely surprised when she’d agreed. Happy, yet surprised. “Quite right. I suppose-”

 

Whatever he was going to finish that with got lost between them as she tilted her mouth up just enough to meet his.

 

Every romance novel, and even most of the movies would say a first kiss sends off fireworks, makes the couple see stars, feel lighter than air, or any of those other things. Honestly, none of that happened for Rose. As his hands gripped her waist, and her fingers carded through his hair when their mouths opened to each other. She could taste him, and smell the scent constantly clinging to him of old books and cinnamon. She could feel his heart thundering in his chest as hers thundered too. Something about it all, it was new, but it also felt like coming home.        

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

_Take a sad song_

_And make it better_

_Remember to let her into your heart_

_Then you can start to make it better_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Owen’s final piece of advice is a reworded quote said by Owen Harper from the episode “A Day in the Death” in season 2 of Torchwood. On a final note, I may or may not of chosen this song just because I used to sing this to my dog during thunderstorms and I figured in a story dedicated to him I should at least include the song I sung to him, and because of that then wrote the chapter loosely around the song…Hey Jude by The Beatles


	11. Gone, Gone, Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can accurately say no one is as shocked as I am that I wrote two chapters in two days. Also, I need to clarify one thing up front, I just realized I keep saying “flat” or “apartment” cause I call like everything that isn’t a house in the suburbs a flat/apartment, but in actuality Rose and Ari live in a townhouse. I’m going to try to go back through previous chapters and edit them so they acknowledge that. I apologize for the continuous error on my part, I’m very bad with continuity in stories.

Things were initially going well since the conversation at the pub. Granted, only a few days had passed since then. Still, John and Rose had resumed their typical constant texting, late night phone calls once Ari had fallen asleep, and nearly everything was as it had been before the fight. They didn’t talk about their past more, which, yes, John was completely aware was heading in the opposite direction than they had planned. At first he believed it wasn’t a problem, but as the days continued Rose grew quieter and quieter. She said less about Ari, less about herself, less about everything, just allowing the silence to fill her places in the conversations.

 

The reality of the matter was, John was ecstatic to have both Tyler girls back in his life, but he was more nervous than ever about screwing it all up, assuming by Rose’s absence today that he hadn’t already.

 

He’d texted her several times this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary, a good morning text here, a rude remark on the IAU there (because of course Pluto is a planet, it might be an over decade long debate but it hasn’t ended yet!), a (rather convincing, if he says so himself) argument regarding Hamlet’s famous speech, among various other commentary on the day. Typically Rose read his messages and would go along with the tangents or counter-argue them just to send him into a fluster, though today she gave no reply.

 

It was all a bit worrisome, and as he sat in hit flat drumming his fingers on the edge of the couch debating ringing her just to be sure she was okay, his phone lit up, letting out a noisy tune.

 

“Hello?”

 

He was about to say it again when a soft voice spoke up, “Hi.”

 

“Rose? Is everything okay?” That was a stupid question, of course everything was not “okay” she sounded terrible.

 

There was a small sniffle through the phone before her voice spoke up again, “Are you busy?”

 

“Do you need me to come over?”

 

“That’s not what I asked.”

 

John didn’t think twice about his response, “I can come over. Do you need me to get anything? Is Ari home? Is she okay?”

 

“I...” Her voice faded into nothing, as the sounds of her flat echoed through the phone lines, a ticking clock and faint intakes of breath.

 

“I’ll be there soon, Rose.”

 

She murmured a reply, it may have been thanks, or even just okay, but John was too focused on finding his converse to notice her response or the moment the line disconnected.

 

The drive over was hell. Not because of traffic or fellow drivers or any of that, but the sheer worry was eating away at John, wondering what had happened to upset Rose, wondering if this is why she’d grown quiet while still refusing to ring off during their late night calls until it was an ungodly hour. So there he was speeding down the streets, nearly ignoring entirely the traffic signs telling him the limit was far slower than he was going. How he got to the townhouse without getting pulled over, no one quite knew. Regardless, he now stood knocking on the door to her home, awaiting an answer.

 

Rose pulled open the door with a finger to her lips. “Ari’s taking a nap right now. We can’t be too loud.”

 

John nodded once as he stepped through the doorway. He’d been there a few times since he’d gotten to meet Ari, but they were all brief glimpses into the place in which Rose lived. Once he’d stayed long enough to have dinner with them, however, his time was filled with occupying Ari and chatting with Rose. This time he really tried to notice the dwelling, from the light walls to the various paintings clustered on the walls. It all seemed…different. Previously it was bright, inviting, with warmth as its essence. Now, it was anything besides those things. He figured it must have been from the shut curtains and dimmed lights, still it was as if the entire house was resonating with what its inhabitants felt.

  
The door behind him shut closing out the bitter late autumn air, just as he spun around to tug Rose into a proper hug.

 

She melted into him, clinging onto him tightly as she buried her face into his neck so much like last Saturday night, except this time he highly doubted it would lead to a kiss if her shaky breaths were anything to go on.

 

“I’m here, Rose. You’re going to be okay,” he soothed, rubbing small circles onto her back. “I’ve got you.”

 

Her shaky breaths softened, though not before John could feel tears soak his shirt.

 

By the time she loosened her hold on him, he hardly cared any longer what had gotten her into this state, he only wanted to bring her out of it and thrust her back into the sunshine that always followed in her wake.

 

“Do,” she cleared her voice, “do you want some tea?”

 

No, no actually. He wanted to sit down on the couch with her and talk to her and get her to laugh or smile or just be _Rose_.

 

“Sure,” is what he settled for instead.

 

John trailed after her down the hallway into the kitchen. It wasn’t spacious. Actually, nothing about the townhouse was. The rooms may have been a regular size for a townhouse, but they were cluttered with things set precisely so that it looked organized and clean while maintaining a mild chaos of not knowing where to look. The kitchen was arguably the least chaotic with a sparse table pushed close to the far window adorned wall, the objects on the counters placed out of the way, and the cabinets taking up only a small part of the wall space.

 

Rose set to work pulling out two mugs, putting the kettle on, as well as grabbing anything else she deemed she needed.

 

When she spoke to him, he was too caught up in admiring the works of art on the fridge done by Ari to hear.

 

A hand touched John’s arm spurring him to look away from the fridge, “Hm?”

 

“Milk and sugar?”

 

“Sugar, yes. Yep!” His eyes darted back to the fridge as Rose moved to open the door to fetch milk for herself.

 

Hardly long later the pair finally sat at the small table in the kitchen, each grasping steaming mugs.

 

Thoughts stumbled around in John’s head trying to be the one to be voiced. Questions, comments, concerns, along with random things to say just so he could say _something_. _Anything_.

 

“You look exhausted.”

 

Oh gods, if Donna was here she’d smack him, of all the things to say that probably should not of been the first one out of his mouth.

 

Rose blew on the tea she had blocking her mouth, even then, John could see the slightest hint of a smile. It was weak and momentary, but it was something. “Ta. Ari’s the one who really needed to rest today. She was up half the night. Doesn’t matter though, wasn’t planning on sending her to school today either way.”

 

School. Right. Of all the things that had crossed his mind to ask, John hadn’t even noticed the oddity of Rose and Ari being home in the late morning of a weekday. “Well,” he said fetching for words, “it’s a good thing she’s asleep now then.”

 

Rose merely hummed quietly in response.

 

“What about you? Were you up with her all night? Shouldn’t you be getting some sleep as well?”

 

“I’d rather not actually. I want to be awake if she gets up.”

 

John knew that held some degree of truth, nevertheless it couldn’t be entirely truthful. Rose was a mess, she’d been shutting down, and now that he’s finally talking to her she hasn’t even addressed the cause of her shift in mood these past few days. He wanted to help her, but he could only help if he had answers. The tangible silence between them with things unsaid hung in the air like a swarm of wasps, any movement could mean being stung, but it was a choice of either moving now or staying stuck in one place until they fell apart at the seams.

 

He sucked in a breath of steam, “Rose, what’s going on?”

 

A strand of hair had fallen in her face these past few minutes giving John the barely controllable urge to tuck it behind her hair, kiss her forehead, and beg for her to tell him what’s gotten into everyone. Instead, however, he sat still, staring at her while awaiting a response. In her own time she would give it. It just may be a complicated answer. Yeah, that’s it. Complicated.

 

She watched him from across the table when finally speaking, “When I was 18 I met a boy, he treated me like I was the world only to leave me in debt and alone in a bedsit six months later. I came home having passed up the chance to go to Uni and feeling so lost I didn’t even want to try to get a degree.” Rose’s lips were pressed into a thin line while she recounted those unpleasant memories. “I got a job I hated in a shop just to do something with my life, you know?”

 

John gave a quiet nod, not wanting to break her away from her life story.

 

“But later when I was 19…” her voice trailed as tears visibly brimmed her eyes. “I met a man. His name was Christopher and I,” Rose’s voice choked, “I love him. More than I’d loved anyone in my 19 years. He took my hand and we ran. Together we explored the world, went on adventures, found trouble, used the wrong verbs in other languages.” A small wet laugh escaped from her lips. “He was the sole person to convince me to go to Uni. To pursue art like I dreamed of when I was younger. We kept traveling even when I was in school. We got married and had Ari. We were fantastic together…and then there was an accident and he…well, he’s gone now.” Tears were streaming down her face as the last words slipped out. She wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt managing to say what she’d meant to, “It’s his birthday today. The holidays, they make it harder to keep moving forward.”

           

The month long questions about Ari’s father were answered, which would seemingly be a good thing, yet John only felt like someone had dug out a chunk of his heart as he witnessed Rose breaking down into tears.

 

He moved off of his chair, ambling around the table until he was knelt before Rose, using one hand he carded his fingers through her hair, along with swiping away tears with the thumb of the other. John spoke gentle words to her, reminding her he was there, that he’ll help in any ways he can, while just allowing her to cry.

 

With a final hiccup, Rose opened her eyes to him murmuring an apology.

 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, love. Crying is good for people. It helps release emotions that can’t be expressed in other ways to their fullest extent. Besides, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you if you need to talk or cry.” He lifted himself up the slightest bit to kiss her forehead lightly.

 

“It’s just been a long day. I can only break down so many times in front of Ari without scaring her. She needs me to be strong.”

 

“Crying doesn’t mean you aren’t strong Rose Tyler. You’re incredibly strong. Don’t forget that. Losing family you love is the hardest thing anyone could have to go through, you miss them and it hurts like nothing else.”

 

“Do you miss yours?” She seemed to regret the question once it came out, if her biting her lip was anything to go on.

 

John’s voice was taken from him.

 

At last he was able to get out, “Who?”

 

Who told her?

 

Was it Reinette?

 

Was it Jack?

 

Who?

 

“Donna told me…On Halloween. She said you weren’t her biological sister, that you were adopted by your gramps, also in the pumpkin patch you said how you knew it was hard to remember people.”

 

His mind tried to catch up. Donna, Halloween, Remembering. They felt disjointed from one another, like leaves scattered around a tree. All going back to the same source, all pointing to him, although they were no longer attached.

 

By the time his mind caught up to the whole thing, Rose was shifting in her seat with nerves. Meanwhile, John wanted to yell at Donna for sharing anything about his past. The urge flooded from him though as quick as it had come.

 

“Um,” John tried to figure out how to word what he was going to say. “My family- when I was nine- there was a fire. They died. Gramps took me in when I was 13. He refused to see just another angry kid no matter what I did or said.” Sharing the story always made him feel clouded. He recognized it was his story, his life story, his personal tragedy with a redeeming ending. Nonetheless, it didn’t process as anything more to him than the articles in the newspaper telling how two hundred people died in a plane crash, there was a sadness within him, but a numbness too. Just another great catastrophe in never ending line of them. It wasn’t that it didn’t bother him, because it truly did. It was just you say it and hear it so often for so many years, you have so many nightmares about it, it stops seeming real.

 

Rose in turn slid off her own chair onto the floor with him, wrapping her arms around John.

 

Something in his numbness cracked, the tiniest sliver opening up a chasm during which all too familiar thoughts flooded through his mind crashing down on him in waves of emotion.

 

Tears began veiling his eyes as he forced his voice to work, “I had a sister. She was seven, and brilliant, and her name was Gillian.” John closed his eyes as memories resurfaced of a small black haired girl with a gap toothed smile staring up at him. “My parents adored her, but that was fine, she was worth it. She was curious and kind and the complete opposite of me. I was always getting into trouble and breaking things by mistake. She just fixed everything.”

 

He recounted what he remembered. How his mum had eyes like a hearth on a cold day. How he’d never seen someone as in love as his dad was with his mum. How his parents would dance around the kitchen and sing old songs together like they’d just fell in love for the first time. Regardless, it was a dangerous path to go down, as things came to mind he spiraled down into them, losing a battle against the cruelty of the past as well.

 

“Smoke burned my lungs and yet I still screamed. I fought to get down and find my sister, to get my parents, to not be the only one dragged out of that house. They said it was a miracle they got me out, that I was lucky I fell asleep downstairs that night. They said it as if I should be thankful.” John looked into Rose face. “I was a lot of things after that. But thankful was not one of them.”

 

There had been loneliness, anger, regret, longing, and pain. So much pain. Sometimes he wished he’d hit his head hard enough for amnesia just so he wasn’t forced to carry the weight of it all. That when he saw a blue dress, that’s all he saw. He didn’t see the hem of one swishing about his mother’s legs. That a bear was just a bear. Not one with a red and green scarf named Theodore being dragged about the house on early mornings. Sometimes he wished he could forget.

 

“I tried to move on. I really did when I was older, but it never went well for me. Reinette got close, but the harder I tried to fill their spots with her, the less I was convinced I loved her.”

 

Rose was cradling him to her, tears of her own losses tracking down her face. “Pete is my step-dad, he loves me like his own. Still, my real dad died when I was just a baby. Pete could never fill his place. My dad was in an accident with a car like Christopher. I didn’t know him like you did with your family, but I know how loss carves holes in the floor of our lives and expects us not to fall.”

 

Together the pair sat quietly, holding onto each other, their tea left forgotten on the table, and their bodies aching from idleness, yet neither wanting to shift away from the other.

 

Time passed like that, with them both trapped in recalling pains and joys in their minds and sometimes in whispered words. In truth it could have been several minutes, or an hour, neither party were quite certain.

 

“Mummy? John?”

 

They looked up to see Ari in all her bedhead glory standing in the doorway, rubbing sleep from her eyes.

 

“Hi little star,” Despite having cried, Rose’s voice sounded stronger than John expected. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“Yes.” Ari stayed staring at the two adults as if they were something quite peculiar she couldn’t figure out. “Why are you on the floor?”

 

John figured since he’d gotten them both off their chairs, he ought to be the one to explain. “We were talking, and we were sad so we hugged to make us not sad anymore.”

 

The small girl nodded in response, shifting from foot to foot.

 

“Do you want a hug too?” John ventured.

 

Ari shot towards them as soon as the offer was out in the open. She clambered into her mother’s lap, whilst reaching for John as well, in expectation of becoming enveloped in both of their embraces.

 

Sitting there on the floor of the kitchen, for the first time since he lost his family, it seemed as though a past of him was stitching back together. Rose and Ari, he knew, would never take the spots in his heart of the people he’d lost. Although, perhaps, they could fit into places of their own.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

The day picked up from there. The usual laughs and loudness of the trio were missing, but the smiles were genuine as they talked, ate, as well as enjoyed each others presences.

 

At one point Ari took off upstairs to get a toy she wanted to show John, leaving him in the kitchen to put the juice away.

 

His eyes were captured again by the colorful fridge, studying each drawing of flower shaped galaxies, dogs with no noses, among other figments brought to life with crayons. The one thing unlike the others was a small poem taped to a far corner in swirling handwriting.

 

“I love that poem.”

 

John turned to see Rose looking precisely where he had been.

 

“What’s it about?”

 

She took a step closer, “It starts simply, ‘it’s all the same to the morning what it dawns on,’ and it describes a nature scene. From there it continues, ‘it’s all the same to the sun what it rises on,’ mentioning homes and suburbs and young couples. Honestly it could all mean something more than that, but to me it doesn’t. Just something beautiful. But I don’t care so much of that as I do for the end.” Her voice changes slightly to follow the cadence of the writing, “‘But it isn’t all the same to us that night-time/ Runs out; that we must make do with today’s/ Happenings, and stoop and somehow glue together/ The silly little shards of our lives, so that/ Our children can drink water from broken bowls,/ Not from cupped hands. It isn’t the same at all.’” Her eyes were on the paper, yet she spoke as if she knew the final words by heart. “My mum was alone until after I met Christopher. It never mattered how little money we had as I was growing up, or how difficult things got. My mum put everything she had into me. Into giving me a better life, even if that just meant I was fractionally better off than she was. Just a few more happy moments, just a few more opportunities. I want to do the same for Ari. I don’t have to worry about money, but I’m trying my best to piece together the jagged things in my life so she can live a better one.”

 

“You’re trying to heal for her.”

 

Rose nodded. “I want to be able to show her it’s possible to move forward even when painful things happen.” She sighed, “I guess that’s one of the main reasons I contacted the recipients of Christopher’s donations. I wanted to feel some tie to him, yeah, but I also wanted Ari to understand we can still have those ties without them keeping us from continuing on in life.”

 

John felt a twisting in his stomach, “donations?”

 

“Organ donations. I’ve been rather successful, actually. But there’s one who won’t contact me.” She sounded more tired than just from the lack of a single night’s rest. “I don’t even know their name. I wish…” Rose was lost to thoughts in her mind. That was well enough though, for Ari’s voice carried through the townhouse calling them to her attention.

 

Later, driving home, John couldn’t quite get the sinking feeling out of his gut when recalling his conversations with Rose by the fridge. He dismissed it as guilt attached to not talking to Mrs. Smith.

 

Nevertheless, as he stepped through the threshold into his own empty apartment, he couldn’t help but imagine Mrs. Smith walking into an emptier home as well.

 

Decided, John pulled out his phone opening the T.A.R.D.I.S. app.

_I hope all is well with you. –the Doctor_

 

He tossed his phone onto his bedside table, hoping his momentary break in character wouldn’t lead to anything more than a “thank you.” He didn’t want Mrs. Smith in his life, not with all of the strings attached to what he’d received and what she had to lose.

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

_When enemies are at your door I'll carry you way from more_ __  
_If you need help, if you need help_ __  
_Your hope dangling by a string_ _  
_ _Ill share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well_

_…_

_I love you long after you're gone_ _  
_ _And long after you're gone, gone, gone_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that I was liberal with a lot in this chapter in regards to incorporating canon things, altered to my desire. For example in canon Rose met Jimmy at 16, not 18, also I stretched some canon a lot (like there actually are siblings from the older comics named John and Gillian who are the Doctor’s grandchildren, and I brought them into this as the Doctor being John, and Gillian being his sister), or completely ignored it even if it would have had no alterations on this AU (example being the entirety of Gillian’s personality and some of her looks too). Today’s chapter title was inspired by the song Gone Gone Gone by Phillip Phillips and if you are curious about the poem Rose references you can find the English translation on this page: Aubade by Nuala Ní Dhomhnaill


	12. Nobody Loves Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I’m just sharing all the songs my dad used to sing to me with you guys. First my one-shot with “Banana Pancakes,” and now this.

The first weekend of December started off far more chaotic than usual. John had been thrown from one phone call to the next as Aunt Sylvia, Gramps, and seemingly everyone else in John’s world needed to speak to him for some reason or other that first Friday. Following ringing off with Jack, who was (to John’s disdain) far too excited about his R rated Christmas gift to Ianto, Donna rung requesting (demanding more like) that John watch the twins for the evening. It wasn’t that John didn’t love seeing Joshua and Ella, merely he had hoped to finally relax after the day. And if that relaxing involved getting to talk to his significant other, who would there be to notice? Alas, instead of the quiet phone call he’d planned, John was launched into a round of the twins playing a rather regrettable game of what they deemed “Stair Ball.” The now infamous game amongst them resulted in one bouncy ball to the face, two to the back of the head, one broken light bulb, and a cracked antique picture frame. John didn’t even want to get into the various other activities he’d had to keep the twins from doing. Most of which involved a large bouncy ball, while the others had everything from tackling to attempted theft (which, yes, resulted in more tackling). Really, by the time Donna and Lee arrived back home the fact no serious injury had occurred was something of a miracle.

 

By Saturday morning John was beyond ready to go get coffee with Rose and hopefully have a peaceful day with _not_ a _single_ game of _“Stair Ball.”_ The universe seemed to have other plans for him though.

 

Just as he was swallowing Advil to combat a rather nasty headache brought on from who knows what part of the previous night, his phone was brought to life with an incessant ringing.

 

“Hello?”

 

“John?”

 

He instantly knew his day was going to veer off path just as the one before had, from Rose’s call alone. Either way he attempted joviality, “Rose! Good morning!”

 

“Are you alright?”

 

“I’m fine, me. Perfectly fine. What can I do for you?”

 

John detected he hadn’t fooled her despite her election to ignore his false mood, “I need a favor. Is there any chance you can watch Ari tonight? It’s just, Mum and I are going Christmas shopping, Dad and Tony are going to some game, Mickey has a date, and Jack-”

 

“I’d love to.”

 

There was a sigh of relief on the other end, “Thank you so much. You’re a lifesaver, you are John Noble. I’m spending the day with Ari so she’ll hopefully be tired out when you come over. And-”

 

A muffled voice rose from the background of Rose’s townhouse, successfully cutting her off as she stopped to listen.

 

“That’s her actually. I’ve got to go. But does five o’clock work?”

 

John barely managed to say yes prior to Rose rushing out a farewell and ringing off.

 

So that’s that then. Two nights in a row watching kids, and hardly a moment to spend with Rose.

 

Ah well, he told himself, at least Ari didn’t rain down with the power of twenty like the twins did. Granted, he highly doubted it would be a quiet night, but a night of ice cream, movies, and coloring with a mini-Rose is not so bad.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

John arrived at the Tyler residence nearly exactly at five. He’d not even gotten the opportunity to lift his hand to knock in advance of the door being ripped open.

 

“Himself is here,” shouted Jackie, standing in the entryway glaring him down.

 

In the name of self preservation, his immediate instinct was to throw his hands up in surrender. He’d heard stories about Jackie’s slaps and he doubted with some of the things that had transpired during the last month, Jackie was overly keen on him. Fortunately for John, both Tylers took the moment to insert themselves in the situation.

 

Ari squealed, “John,” just as she dashed towards him, only to be caught by her mother.

 

“Your hands are covered in paint little star, I doubt John wants it all over his clothes. Why don’t you wash up and then you can hug him?”

 

After a momentary pout featuring an unparalleled talent for puppy dog eyes, the small child did as told.

 

Rose moved towards the doorway, yet more importantly, inserted herself between one glowering Jackie and one yielding John. Once between the two, both parties on either side of her settled into a temporary stalemate.

 

“I’m so sorry we couldn’t grab coffee earlier, I wanted to, just the start of the Christmas season is typically a frenzy.” She peered up at him through her lashes as if he needed anything more than an apology to forgive her for skipping their routine.

 

Jackie having seen enough of the show leaped into the conversation lacking an invitation. “Sweetheart we need to get going if we’re to get to all the shops tonight.”

 

John settled for the fact there was no possible way he’d get any time with Rose until her mother was out of the picture tonight, so simply encouraged her to be on her way.

 

Upon her returning to the entrance of the townhouse freshly cleaned, Ari was left with a quick hug and kiss from her mum, along with the typical “please be on your best behavior,” followed up with the same by her Nana.

 

As usual with watching the twins, John figured a joking comment about not allowing any world domination if she didn’t eat her vegetables would warrant an eye roll. Instead, Rose bounced onto the balls of her feet and kissed him chastely, pulling away after a moment with a tongue touched smile. “World domination doesn’t sound too bad as long as it isn’t past bedtime.” With that, she hurried down the steps to Jackie, throwing a short wave over her shoulder.

 

Why was it, whenever he kissed Rose, it never seemed to last nearly as long as he wanted it to? He could think of at least fifteen good excuses to kiss Rose every time he saw her, and not a single one of them led to short kisses. John probably shouldn’t be complaining though since even her chaste kiss had his mind whirling trying to remember what his name was. Not to mention how bloody ridiculous it was that it made his heartbeat rival that of a hummingbird’s.

 

He at last turned away from the door, settling Ari with a smile.

 

“So what do you want to do tonight?”

 

With lit up eyes, Ari grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the kitchen in the far back of the house. Except, rather than entering the room, they veered left into another. John had seen the room before, although this was the first time he had entered it. It was filled with more light than anywhere else in the home he had been before. It had large windows facing the back garden which surely created a bright sunlit room, during the day, nonetheless, even now in the evening, the room was rigged with enough lamps to imitate the sun. He’d guessed the room could have been the intended dining area, although it was anything but that now. Propped against the walls were lines of vibrant canvases, all at various stages of completion. Atop a single desk were stacks of art journals, far too numerous to count. Shelves dominated half the wall space supporting rows of seemingly anything an artist could need. Meanwhile, scattered on the floor were blank pages and various paints featuring bold lettered remarks on coming off with soap and water. He assumed those belonged to Ari so as not to ruin her clothes, or anything else she may touch.

 

Ari proudly lifted a still wet painting of a sphere surrounded by starlight. “Look what I made!”

 

John knelt down in front of her and studied the painting with an uncontained grin. “It’s perfect! It looks exactly like Callisto! It even had the polka dots!”

 

“What’s Callisto?”

 

“Callisto is the second largest of Jupiter’s 67 known moons. It’s really cool. Outer space scientists even think it may have an ocean which is very special cause not many other places we know of has water.”

 

Ari tilted her head still bubbling with questions, “and it’s got blue and pink on it too?”

 

“Oh yes.”

 

The young girl’s pride radiated from her, “Mummy liked it too. She said it was beautiful.”

 

John heartily agree.

 

“What else do you know about space?”

 

Well, this certainly was going to be an interesting night rambling on about astronomy.

 

He wasn’t wrong. The pair painted as John explained things to Ari, doing his best to make them easy to understand. She was smart though, catching on quickly to new words and reiterating facts back to him to better remember them. Joshua and Ella enjoyed space as far as Star Wars went, but Ari seemed truly interested in absolutely everything about it.

 

“I didn’t know you liked astronomy so much, Ari.”

 

She gave a half shrug as she focused on her depiction of Pluto, right down to the heart shaped spot. “Daddy loved ast-… astrana-… space.” She’d glanced up during her attempts to pronounce the word, although quickly became again consumed by her artwork.

 

Truthfully, John didn’t know what to do with that piece of information. He recalled Rose saying something similar once when telling John about Ari’s full name, back then he’d focused on the father part rather than regard the bit about astronomy.

 

Ari was in the middle of speaking when John resumed listening. “-doesn’t like talking about Daddy. It makes her sad. But space is pretty, and no one should be sad about it.”

 

She lifted her head to look at him as John rushed out a “definitely,” so he appeared to of heard all of what she’d said.

 

Her eyes remained locked onto John as she titled her head to the side once again that evening, “Are you going to be my new daddy?”

 

He couldn’t help it, he choked. After a mild coughing fit John mustered a baffled, “No?” Because that was the truth he thought. He could love Rose, marry her, grow old with her, help raise Ari, and then do something crazy like walk her down the aisle when she was old enough. He could do all of that, however, he would still not be her dad. Nothing he could do would replace Christopher in either of the Tylers lives, just as they would never replace anyone gone from his. Not that he would want a parental or sibling bond with Rose, mind you. Neither would he want to take on the older brother role for Ari, especially if he was with Rose.

 

Upon his answer, Ari leveled him with a far more mature stare than he assumed a five year old to be capable of before speaking slowly, “Good. You aren’t my first Daddy and you won’t ever be him.”

 

The words stung more than John expected. Still, he nodded, “No, I won’t be sweetheart.”

 

She smiled consolingly as if she knew with full confidence what a tragedy not being her parent could be. At last she reached up and patted him lightly on the cheek as if he were the child and she was the wiser adult. “You won’t ever be my first daddy, but I wish you would be one I have now.”

 

John stared at her open mouthed. This conversation just kept taking turns it seemed. Regardless, he couldn’t even utter a word quicker than the time it took for Ari to become immersed once more in her painting of a distant planet surrounded by flying fish and disappearing boxes.

 

Conversation resumed a bit roughly with John deciding the best course of action was to ignore the previous few minutes. After another short while and a few too many stomach growls, he proposed the idea of washing off so they could find dinner.

 

The thing was, cleaning up was fairly easy, it was the figuring out what exactly they were to eat that was trickier.

 

“Got any ideas of what you want for dinner?”

 

Ari bounced up and down, “Mummy took me to Rory’s Ice Cream today!”

 

John suspected he knew where this was headed, but followed the path anyway, “Really?”

 

“Yep!”

 

He actually had no idea where that particular parlor was. “I’ve never been there,” he exclaimed following in suit of the girl’s excitement.

 

“When you walk in, it- it smells like diamonds.” He words tripped over themselves as the poured out of her. “Mummy let me get _two_ scoops!”

 

“Wow, that sounds like so much fun!”

 

She nodded vigorously agreeing.

 

They went back and forth over the topic for several more minutes, until John finally resumed to the topic of eating dinner. That’s when things went decidedly downhill. He had never heard of Ari being an overly fussy eater before, so he assumed her refusal of all true food items was purely the result of a child hoping to get something special from a new caretaker. Much to her dismay, John refused to waver.

 

Ari was typically not prone to fits according to Rose, and sure this wasn’t a fit per se since she wasn’t screaming or crying, even so, she’d turned sour, refusing to look at John.

 

Something about the cross of her arms, or visibly protruding bottom lip brought forth a faded memory of standing in the kitchen when he was young as his dad sung a teasing song.

 

The slow dramatic tune worked its way from the deepest parts of his mind to his lips, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms. Big fat juicy worms, tiny slimy skinny worms, I’m gonna eat some worms.”

 

Ari was pulling a disgusted face as she looked at him over her shoulder, arms still firmly tucked to her chest.

 

John bit down a smile as he tried to portray a truly devastated man who had fallen so far in life he was going to eat worms. “Long thin slimy ones, slip down easily. Short fat fuzzy ones don’t.” He peaked open an eye he had closed during his verse to see Ari had turned fully towards him now. “Oh, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms.”

 

The disgusted face remained plastered to her face, despite her arms slowly loosening with every word.

 

“How on earth, can anybody live, on a thousand worms a day? But nobody loves me, everybody hates me, so I’m gonna eat some worms.”

 

“You’re gross,” she said definitively.

 

John simply laughed. “Are you ready for dinner yet?”

 

“As long as it’s not worms.”

 

He winked at her, finally breaking through her mood until she was smiling back up at him.

 

Dinner turned out to be Disney shaped mac and cheese, cut up hot dogs, along with a small helping of green beans. Simple and easy to make. Exactly how John thought all meals ought to be.

 

/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/-... . .- -/

 

It was getting late and Rose hadn’t so much as phoned to say she was heading back. John assumed that meant one thing: he was to carry out the bedtime routine. In theory, putting kids to bed John had done for years now. Only, the kids had always been the twins. He’d heard some children had loose rules regarding going to sleep, although the twins weren’t part of that category. Their routine had been their routine as far back as they remembered, so there was rarely a fight involved regarding what to do next. Ari on the other hand John had no idea how to put to sleep.

 

In the end, he simply let her take the lead. Her routine was by far more relaxed than Joshua and Ella’s, and strangely enough was mildly fun. She sang as she fetched her jimjams, and lowered her voice to a “nighttime voice” as she talked about what she wanted to dream of that night whilst he brushed out her hair.

 

Ari clambered into her bed, settling with a stuffed wolf under the covers.

 

“Can you read me a story?”

 

John checked the clock. Figuring it wasn’t indecently late to hear one story, he consented, pulling over a green chair from which to read. “Which would you like?”

 

Without pause Ari grabbed a thin picture book from her nightstand. “This one please.”

 

“‘The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore’ by William Joyce,” he read.

 

Ari studied the cover of the book for a moment before saying in a small voice, “Daddy got it for me just before he went away. I read it everyday.” She seemed to plead with him in her voice to believe her about really reading it everyday.

 

John reached out and gently tucked her hair behind her ear, “I’m sure he’d be very happy to hear that.”

 

The solemn moment passed, as Ari decidedly laid back down and curled onto her side, awaiting the tale.

 

“‘Morris Lessmore loved words.

 

“‘He loved stories.

 

“‘He loved books.

 

“‘His life was a book of his own writing, one orderly page after another. He would open it every morning and write of his joys and sorrows, of all that he know and everything that he hoped for.’” His voice carried through the room as he wove aloud the tale set before him on the pages.

 

After turning over the last page of the book, John rose to his feet from the chair to set the book down on the nightstand.

 

He pulled the covers up higher around Ari who had fallen off into sleep somewhere along the way in the story.

 

Looking down at her he couldn’t resist kissing the top of her head as he did for Donna’s children. He didn’t know how long his life with Rose would last, for surely Ari’s father once believed it would be forever, only to lose it in an instant. Nevertheless, John was certain of one thing in that moment, he was willing to do anything in his power to keep her safe. She may not be his daughter, but he thought he was beginning to love her as if she was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry but there is no link today. I tried searching the lyrics, but the results gave me different lyrics and/or a different tune than I always heard as a child. The lyrics in the story are the only ones that my dad and I remember. However, the mentioned picture book is a real book and is one I felt Ari would enjoy cause it’s got flying books and who doesn’t like flying books??

**Author's Note:**

> Can you tell I’ve been to very few weddings? Like two in fact, both at the age of being a small child. Anyways, that was my best try. Fun Fact though: I did what Tony did, except I was four, and it was my Aunt’s wedding. My Aunt who at the time was my favorite person in the entire world, and honestly I did not understand why they wouldn’t let me go play with her. Also note this is your last warning from me to get the fuck out of this story while you still can. Seriously I am warning you I have no direction and no idea what I am doing. In fact I'm trying to think about it as little as possible so as to avoid the impending anxiety attack.


End file.
